Frustrations and Forgiveness

Lately, I have felt overwhelmed by frustrations I am having. At times it has swelled to the point pure anger. I hate it. At those moments, I feel like I am out of control. I know that I am making rash and probably stupid decisions because I am lashing out. Most of those around me would probably not say I have anger management issues because I bottle it up. I try really hard to not to make decisions based out of my anger. However, I absolutely hate it. I hate being frustrated and anger. I feel like it consumes me.

I have been trying hard to take moments to focus the energy other places. It has been difficult as I work alone so I get caught in my thoughts with no one to bounce them off of. I focus on a new business, dancing lessons, and trying to connect with friends. But still there are many moments I am left alone.

I find myself sitting and meditating but saying over and over again that I forgive him (or her) until I am able to release it enough to focus on sitting with God. I find it so interesting how somethings are so hard to release and other things are easy as pie. For me the easy things, are the ones everyone else would struggle with greatly like a betrayal. I think though that God has forgiven me so much. He has forgiven these people to. There is nothing done that God has not forgiven and he still loves these people that I think are so awful. If I choose to love God, does that also mean that I should find a way to forgive and love these people.

Here is the but wait....What does it mean to be ok with all my feelings? To forgive someone but to still be mad and hurt. Can I hold both? Can I be ok with feeling crazy and out of control while at the same time treating someone with love and forgiveness? Sometimes I talk myself into the fact that it is wrong to be angry...because in my anger I lose control...but I am not so sure that is true. If I really focus on it, my anger is actually hurt. I rarely get angry for others...not sure if that is good or bad. Maybe my real issue is I don't know how to be ok with being hurt.

Heartland Film Festival

Everyone always tells me that I only write in this thing when I am in Africa...well, that is usually true and I am not sure why. However, I have been having urges to write more...somehow an expression of myself...leaving a legacy as I live...I don't know.

This week in Indianapolis is Heartland Film Festival. It is where they show tons of independent films. My friend Amanda loves film and last year I was not able to join because I was in Africa. So, she would recount for me all the good bad and ugly films that I missed. This year, I am actually back for them. So, we have bought a package of tickets and are seeing a few.

Last night, we went to Amal. The summary by the film festival was

"Amal, a multi-layered portrait of contemporary India, follows an auto-rickshaw driver in New Delhi who is content with his small but vital role in the world around him. One day, he drives an eccentric billionaire who, disguised as a vagabond, is searching the streets for the last morsel of humanity--someone he can feel comfortable leaving his fortune to. With one passenger, Amal's life may change forever."

My friend did not think it was done well and rolled her eyes throughout the movie. Upon her further analysis, I will say that it did lack the good connection that she desperately wants to see. However, I was still struck by the movie.

I have been to India and I could just smell the landscape and feel the heat as they showed the images of the rickshaw and the the streets. However, I was struck most by the fact that this illiterate poor man was so content. Life was simple. In that life, he was content. He was presented as one of the few guys left in India who was honest and caring. He charged people fairly for his rickshaw rides...he sacrificed greatly for perfect strangers. His integrity and honesty ran very deep. I found myself wondering if the fact that he was content in life was what allowed him to treat people with such profound gentleness, kindness. He didn't need to get money out of them. He didn't need to badger. Life was ok...just as it was. Simple...poor...fine.

I often want to be simple. I go through many moments where I purge my house and my things. Trying to simplify...however, I still buy more things. I want it simple but with certain pleasures. I want to enjoy the moment I am in but struggle so hard to focus. In the shack (I think), there is a time where God says to stop worrying so much about the future it hasn't happened yet. Translation to me...worry about the future when it happens so much energy is concerned about the future or remembering the past that I miss the moment. And you never know...the future that you anticipate may never happen. Lately, when my mind starts going off in frustration or whatever related to the future I try to refocus on the moment I am in...the person I am talking to...the breeze as I sit....the joy of the routine of cleaning....and dang it...that really is a hard thing to do...who would have thought.

Home Again

The trip home went well...I slept very well on the plane from Bangui to Paris and then slept in the airport for 2 hours in Paris. I think that really helped me for the day yesterday because I didn't even get tired until 10 pm last night. Of course, I woke up at 6 am and I am slightly tired today but still overall the jet lag is really good.

The trip was really good....I have so much information and the guys were so receptive of me. On the last day, my Bangui accountant sat with me and we just chatted...no translator. So that means that we experimented with different words in Sango and English. I actually learned a few more phrases. Largely, I learned how to say I am excited to go home and see my friends and family....it was rather fun. Next time I go, I will need to think of a new question to learn other than how many children they have.

I must say that I am still amazed that they have so many children. It is cool that the families will adopt the children of siblings when they die. But when people have 6 - 10 children normallly and then they die and someone else has to adopt the 6 -10 children when they have 6 -10 children themselves...the compound factor causes rather sad situations. They don't have enough food to have more than one meal a day. Each African I talked to who had gone to America said the most annoying part of going to America was that all Americans have to eat when they get together. I talked to someone in the Paris airport and he was going to America. He said he has to try really hard to not gain too much weight because his family at home is not eating that much.

Anyway, I am home know...and enjoying friends and rest.

Hello

So, I know it has been a while. I did get to Bangui ok but the internet connection has basically been non existant because the electricity has been down so much. I probably do have many stories but ultimately I am just exhausted. I wish this didn't disrupt my energy level but oh well...it is hard work.

I am leaving tomorrow evening and will be home on Friday. I am so glad to be getting to go home...it will be nice to see people again.

I have received most of the budgets and that is very encouraging. I still have a few budgets to work through with my boss but he and I will not see each other until December so this will be large phone conversations....yeah! NOT.

Ok, I need to run to lunch but I wanted to say hi and to apologize for the lack of connection....I am doing well.

Bangui and 4 more days

So, the trip was pretty bad. We woke up at 2:45 and waited for the other car full of Africans. They didn't show up until 4. Then we began the long trek back to Bangui. The first half is the worst with the dirt roads and the large craters in the road. I tried to lay down in the back but it is impossible to sleep on that half. But I kept getting sick...so I would sit up to watch the road. Yet, my head was so heavy I could not hold it up so then I would lay back down again....I didn't sleep but I couldn't hold myself up. We drove on the bad roads for 6 hours and only went 124 miles. That means we were moving at an average of 20 miles per hour...talk about exhausting. Than we still had another 7 hours to go the remaining 248 miles on paved roads....it took a total of 13 hours. We arrived at 5 pm. Although on the second half, I was able to actually sleep a little in the back as the road is paved...it still has some large pot holes but paved all the same.

Than I hung out with the missionary couple in the compound we stay at. That was an interesting night...I was tired and I found myself bitting my tongue at a few comments. Still, it was very nice to have new people to hang with and not talk about work. We played cards and just enjoyed the company.

Today, I woke up read a book, finished most of the analysis of Bangui's financial records, and then I headed over to our second office to work on the internet. The internet at the compound with our housing and office is supposed to have internet but it isn't working. Which is kinda sad because I won't be able to connect as easily with friends and family.

The next 4 days will probably be a blur...I have a ton of meetings. I am leaving on Thursday in the evening....oh man, I am so excited to be home. I think my next trip (if I have one) will be 2 weeks. I am getting all the large stuff down and will just need check up trips which should require as much time. That will be nice.

Did I do that

So, today I have felt like I constant cultural fopah. At night I usually find my phone and put it beside my bed...a weird ritual and largely because all I have to do is push a button to see what time it is....rather than find my flashlight and shine it on the clock when I can't sleep. Well, last night I couldn't find it. Oh well, I told myself it is probably in the other house or on the porch...I will check tomorrow. Well, I wake up this morning and began looking for it. I couldn't find it. I asked Bob...he said he didn't know. So, I told him to tell Elise our house help to keep an eye out. I knew it couldn't have gotten far and it would show up sooner or later. We looked around one more time and I sat down to work. I do this all the time...no big deal...it will show up. Not so in this world, within ten minutes there was a little bit of activity going on. Next think I know Bob is asking me to get up and keep looking for a little bit and Farel my accountant pulled out his phone to call it. (I would have done that eventually). Well, we found it at the bottom of my trunk and all the guards, garden help, and house help were following me around looking very nervous. What I then realized is that we are in a secure fenced in area and their job is to make sure everything remains safe and nothing is stolen. If something turns up missing, they get extremely nervous that they will be blamed for it. So, they were pretty much freak'n out. I felt so bad...that was the last thing I was trying to do. I lose things all the time. Mental note....keep looking hard before you raise an alert with the workers of the house. Man...it was bad.

Today was the last day in Berberati...other than my big issue...nothing of large note. I had wrap up meetings with people and last minute conversations. I did have to have a heart to heart with one of my accountants but that even turned out good. Bob told me that they are not used to having people actually talk through perceived issues with them...usually it shows up in a meeting and the head person (that would be me) blows up and drops the hammer. He said that this went really well and hopefully they will take it to heart. I have no idea if they are used to people dealing with conflict the way I do...but it did end up fairly well given our cultural differences.

They guys want to leave at 3 in the morning. I think they are crazy but I am going to do it. Ugh. On the last trip, I slept the first 3 hours. I am not sure if I will be able to do that this time as the beginning of the trip is all the really really bad holes in the road. Oh well.....I can sleep on Saturday night and all day Sunday if I need to.

The good thing about Bangui is the pool should actually be working...I truly hope so. And 6 more days till I board a plane and 7 more days till I am home. I am really looking forward to getting back to comfortable friends. I don't mind the days here...it is just work. But at the close of the day, I wish I had a good friend to detox with...still overall the trip has gone smoothly.

Sunset

As the sun set tonight, I looked out to the sky and realized that the entire sky was orange. 360 degree rotation and the sky was entirely orange. It was beautiful. I went to get my camera that I haven't used yet and found that the battery was dead so too bad for everyone who wanted a picture. Still...the sunsets here are by far one of the most beautiful things...to look out over the land with the jagged trees....it is quite amazing.

Went over another budget with the Berberati administration this morning. I wasn't very impressed. They forgot numereous things, padded stuff all over the place, miscalculated...it was sad because my berberati accountant was part of the team. He does great at recording things and documenting but truly he nor the administrative head can forecast worth anything. I even have them forecast out each month of cash flow...they are never right. I have no idea how to teach them....I have tried and it doesn't appear to be sinking in. I know everyone has strengths and weaknesses but I do expect a little better in this category for accountants. Oh well, one step at a time...maybe an ah ha moment will happen. Still...they are definitely better than some of the people I worked with in the government...I probably shouldn't have said that...my old boss actually reads this :)

Other than that, I started to pull all the information for budgets I have received to date together...some things look great and other things look scary. Again, I will just have to dialogue with the Africans and see how we want to handle it. Together we will decide what we can afford and not...that part is fun to be able to give them some control...trying to find the answer with limited funds...that isn't fun.

Tomorrow is my last day in Berberati...the pool never worked and I gotten eatten alive this time...but I worked every day on a veranda and accomplished a lot...so all and all a productive two weeks. One more week and then I board a plane to come home.

Nothing Grand

Today has been pretty low key. I have worked with my accountants to discuss a few things like getting all of our accounts in line and doing better documentaion in memo lines. All that boring accounting stuff.

I walked by the pool today. It is still only half full. Three weeks of trying to fill it and only half full. I am totally positive there is a leak but oh well...there is a pool in Bangui.

Reading Friday Night Knitting Club in down times and getting eaten alive today. So, just a dull day in Africa.

Wrong side of the bed

So, I think I woke up on the wrong side of the bed today. I felt groachy (Sp?) all day. My dreams consisted of dreaming about budgets and I didn't want to dream about that even though I was asleep. So, I woke myself up to stop them. Then I started to think someone was trying to get into the complex or walking on my roof. The likelihood of someone walking on my roof or getting into the complex without disrupting all of the dogs or guards is not very high.

I have a tree with large acorns or something on them. In the middle of the night they will fall on the aliuminim roof making the loudest sound. It startles me a good one sometimes.

Today, I heard the first reports from the program managers on what they think they can do with the budgets. I was very impressed. The first one did not go the smoothiest but I think our process of extracting the information was not very good. We profected on the second one. Overall, the guys did a great job of presenting their visions and finding a way to fit everything they wanted to do within a budget. I will do more analysis tonight or tomorrow but I was glad they took what I said and went with it. The orphan care program is funded well by individual donors who sponsor orphans so their budget was good. The agriculture is funding is a little less stable and less money is available so the budget was a lot tighter and harder to figure out. I still have a lot of work to do as I pull them all together but it was a great first report.

Tonight, I sat with Bob and we chatted about the book the Shack and where we are in life. I told him about a recent house church experience where the guys were talking about wanting to make an impact...to leave a wake. I hate when people push for that. The reason is because no matter how hard I try I always fail in someway. Something doesn't work or isn't the best it could be. Someone always could do it better. So, if I wrap myself up in what impact I make...if my significance is there than I am just setting myself up for failure. Rather I want to be in the wind...the wind of where God is leading. To just be with him. To be surrounded in what he is doing and enjoy the relationship. Than my significance is not wrapped up in what I do but rather just in being with him or just because he says I am significant. That is one of those things that I have been struggling with for years. Anyway, the Shack talks a little about the wind and the Holy Spirit as the wind...which is how we got to that subject. Bob is a cool guy. He is way intense and it is exhausting sometimes but the depth and sincerity with which he operates I would want to have in my court any day. He doesn't do much half way. He is filled with an intense love for people. He isn't into the "christian" answers....He is into Jesus. I am often inspired by him. Although, he loves all these very intense movies that inspire about justice and fighting for noble causes....or basically that inspire him. I have no idea how he can watch so many of them. I start to get depressed after a while. He has been a great encouragement to me that I am going in the right direction and that I am doing so much more than just writing a budget. I really like that I am fighting for justice and the Africans in the cloak of finances.

Small Successes Big Encouragement

I don't remember what I have shared in other blogs and I am too tired to go back and figure out if I have shared this...so bear with me.

My last trip to Africa was all about teach my accountants how to document all the transactions, properly record them in quickbooks, and to reconcile between the safe and quickbooks. Up to that point, they had been off hundreds of dollars at times. I don't think it was because of dishonesty but more from lack of attention and knowledge. So, I created a process, explained it, demonstrated, had them practice it, and wrote it all down. I then told them if they did it right they would get a bonus.

One of the things I am doing on this trip is evaluating how well they accomplished the task from my last visit. I am glad to report that both locations were only off 30 francs which is less about 7 cents. I can not tell you how huge an improvement that is. I am so proud. One of the locations documented all of the transactions almost perfectly. I am blown away. The other location has a little work to go on documentation but still this is very encouraging.

To see that your hard work is paying off. To know that instruction given has been taken to heart and followed. I love it.

Tuesday, I will start reviewing the budgets each program has drafted. I will be doing that until I leave. I am excited to see what these guys have done with the instruction. I have been amazed that at times when you give them some freedom and permission they can get amazing amount of things done in a short period of time. I will let you know how it goes...hopefully, it will be encouraging. Even if not, this is a necessary learning step and is good for the guys to grow and learn through. In the end, it will pay off. There might be bumps in the road but it will pay off.

Tackling the Tough Stuff

So, for the past few days I have been working with the top African management to work through issues of salary, health care, travel fees, relocation costs, and the list goes on. All of this must be talked through to help set the budget for this upcoming year. The conversations have been really good and so exhausting. It is hard to break through your own cultural paradigms to understand the culture of another. In Africa, they have a base pay set by the African government and that is the only thing taxes. From there you have Primes, that are given for responsiblity, production, risk, and the list goes on. Why we can't just set a salary and be done with it begins to overwhelm me. Also, when the list keeps growing you start to think man you guys are milking me. To shut yourself up and acknowledge that we are all allowed to be different that is the freedom God gave us and yet we are still worthy not matter our operation...well, lets just say it isn't an easy thing.

In one of the conversations, we talked about travel and food for travel. I was asking them to set a rate. They said that they wanted different rates for different levels. I was not up for that. When a worker is on ICDI time, I want to value everyone the same. We are all equal. Yes we value a function better than another but the individual is just as valuable and I want to be able to feed them equally. They came back with a clear...uh, no everyone is not equal. That is not the way it works here. There are people who are worth more. I can't put my mind around it....but this was honest. This was truth for them. At the end of this conversation, my co-worker Bob (from the states) broke down in tears. He was overwhelmed by the dialogue. The fact that we were able to engage in an open honest conversation about our views. To see that we were different and to not judge it. He has been a missionary for years and has rarely heard the dialogue we have engaged in for the last few days. To hear the mutual respect even though the cultures were different. Oh, I know he can explain it better...needless to say. His overall comment is what we have done this past week is powerful.

Personnally, I have been doing better. I have read the book the shack and realized a good amount about the lies that I am believing. It is funny how various books while I am out here have helped me. Last trip it was Eat, Pray, Love....and dang I really like that book. This time the shack. It is quite releasing to realize God's love. I have been taught a lot of things by the "church" that really aren't the truth. And I know they did not intentionally do it but I still took it all the same. I believed there is a list of right and wrongs and even though I am saved by grace God himself will punish me if I do something too high in the wrong list. I believed that if I loved something too much God would take it away so that I would love him more. Those are just quick thoughts and I probably should do the explanation much more justice but oh well...there is a quick thought.

Still, I am ready to be home. I would like to have a more comfortable bed. I really would like to not constantly have some bug crawling on me. I had a little lizard crawl up the inside of my leg pants at a meeting. It freaked me out nice and good. I would love to have my friends around to chat and hang out with. I really miss the comfortableness of those I love and enjoy.

Another Entry

The past few days I have been working with Bob and the African staff to work through a number of personnel policies that effect finances. It has been good but it is very hard. I am so emotionally and mentally exhausted by the end. Reaching clarification on important issues when you are dealing with cultural dynamics is extremely exhaustive. I have worked hard to make sure that I am honoring them as a people and following the laws of their land no matter how absurb the laws seem to me. I want to be sure that they are the ones owning this decision. That they understand all the consequences of the decisions that we are making and that together we find a way to finance it.

The African chief of personnel told me that I do not understand the great impact I am making by going about this the way I am. That the way I am choosing to handle this will provide so much peace in the hearts of the men who currently are very upset with the way things have been handled to date. They are not used to the way I have chosen to treat them. It almost brought tears to my eyes because it has been very tiresome to work this way.

Each day we eat lunch with various Africans. The lunch has been so different each day. The first day was the management and one of the leaders has been to America. I asked him what he thought was the oddest about America. He said he visited a cemetary just for dogs. Oh man, they had so much fun with that one. To them dogs are good for hunting, guarding, and eating. Valuing a dog so much that you treat it as a child is so foreign for them.

The second day, it was very pleasant the men I ate with asked me deep questions like why does America use vegetables for oil for the gas and how does the value of the dollar go up or down. I gave my ideas but really I have no clue. I really like my time with them.

Today, it was much different. The guys that came in were hugely cynical about why they were eating with us. They didn't understand it and did not trust us. They did not ask one question of me and I just asked questions of them. One guy asked another guy why are they asking all these questions...rather pissed off. Later the same guy said that the meal we provided was weak and not worth it. He said we should have told that woman (meaning the cook) to make gozo. I was aghast. I didn't let it on nor did I tell him that I hate gozo and specifically asked her not to make it. The only briefly made eye contact with me once. I was quite frustrated with their response. However, I tried to realize that God is rather fond of them and I do not know their story. They are hurt and responding from that hurt...no matter if I caused it or not.

All in all, the days have been very productive and hard....however, the nights they are overwhelmingly hard. I feel so lonely. I struggle because I believe that God will take something away from me that I love...that fear overwhelms me in this place where nothing is familar and I am so far away from all those I love. I have had very few nights where I have not struggled deeply through this. Because of the depth of exhaustion from the work all day long and the emotional tear I put myself through at night...this trip as so far been the hardest yet. I pray that it will get better...I have two more weeks left. I want to feel God's love and delight and not because I do a good job here.

Oblivious Realizations

I have a few friends that have always stated that their hearts beat for racial justice. I usually respond (at least internally) way to go friend you kick butt. I usually want to operate with proper treatment of human beings but fighting for justice for people is not really something that warms my heart. So, I encourage it from a distance and I am glad that someone has done it. I think it is admirable all around…just not me.

My trip out here has been about empowering Central Africans through accounting. I want to allow them the honor and authority to control the money for their program. I have received comments from white people (both direct and indirectly) that you really shouldn’t be letting the Africans control the money. They can’t be trusted and that is a dangerous thing. Recently the African leadership has told Bob my co-worker (the Chief Operations guy for Africa) that the interactions they are having with Bob is highly unexpected. They are used to working for white people (and Christian organizations) but it is always “you will do this” or “you will do that”. They hardly ever ask for a dialogue. They hardly ever want their input or opinion. Everything we are trying to do is through them…so we are trying to present the ideas or the issues and have the Africans work with us to come to a conclusion. This really is a foreign way for them to be treated. I have begun to realize that honestly my job isn’t accounting. It is to fight for these men and woman to be trusted and to develop into who they are meant to be in the face of old white mentality that they can not. I am fighting for justice in the cloak of accounting. I am really not about getting clean water to the villages, or AIDS training to the people, or care for orphans. I am about fighting to encourage these guys that they can make a difference by themselves. They don’t need the white man’s help up…who would have thought I would be in the justice game.

Around the same time I was realizing this, I asked Bob if these guys struggled with me being a woman. He said absolutely. I then put examples out there of is the reason a few of the men do not respond to my emails until I badger them and have you badger them because I am a woman. He said absolutely. Ironic, I am fighting to treat them like humans and not a race…and some still see me as a sex and not a person. I know I have probably dealt with sexism in jobs before but I am so oblivious I never noticed and keep plowing ahead. I don’t know how I will operate as I actually know what is going on….try to still be oblivious and state the facts I guess.

Story Time

The plane is backed. Every seat fillled. The baggage storage area in the overhead compartments is backed. Each African attempts to bring on the largest possible carry-ons and I a swear they try to take on three to four bags. The smell of African BO is starting to take over. I am reading a book trying to ignore the chaos around me as people are trying to get situated for the long flight. The next thing I know a loud french-spoken debate (to call it nicely) begins to arupt between one of the passengers and the flight attendant. It never falls every trip I go on this happens. I can not speak french but it is fairly obvious. There is no room to store their luggage. It needs to be put under the plane or maybe in an overhead compartment far from their seat. The African will not allow their luggage to be put anywhere out of their sight and man are they getting angry. This loudly spoken debate lasts for about 10 minutes before the African finally consistents quite frustrated to move her two extremely large bags to where the flight attendant has requested. I really don't get it. I have been amazed for a people that on the large part have a lot less money than I do they carry the largest pieces of luggage I have ever seen.

We finally are all seated. The plane is moving towards the run way and the flight attendant is going through the steps for safety. They get to the part about in the case of emergency find the closest exit. She then proceeds to clearly state twice that in the case of emergency DO NOT TAKE your luggage with you. I just had to smile. I may have never paid attention to that in the past but I don't remember that line as part of the normal safety speel. Of course, I can just imagine it the plane has crashed we are all trying to get out of the plane but half the people MUST get their luggage. Of course they would preface it....it probably is only funny to me but I sure got a chuckle out of that mental picture considering the debate I had just witnessed.

Once we got to Bangui, there was a huge fog. We tryed to land twice, circled around the airport for about an hour, and then finally decided to go to Chad to refuel....needless to say we were in the plane 4 hours longer than usual. By that time, the smell was really beginning to overwhelm me. Ah well, I finished my book.

Yesterday and today have been good days. I meet with the head African representative for ICDI to explain what I was doing on my trip. Overall, his response was good and he asked intelligent questions. This guy is not really in charge of the operations but more works the government issues but as far as this culture is concerned we must pay him the respect of informing him of what is going on. Today, I meet with all of the program managers to explain the budget process. They seemed to understand it and are deeply grateful. In this culture (as with most), having the ability to control the money signifies power and respect. Giving them the budget figure that we have for the program they are responsbile for and then telling them to decide how to use it to accomplish their mission is a sign to them of our confidence in them. I think it will do a lot to continue pushing and developing our vision to empower the Central Africans to run this operation on their own. In addition, it will help in control the expenses and giving us leverage to discuss potential ideas and direction of the organization. I have a feeling that I will probably have more problems with the US staff on keeping to a budget than with the African staff but we will see.

Tomorrow at 6 am (seriously no one should be moving at that time) we will be leaving for Berberati. Oh, I hate this trip. 12 hours on a rollercoaster. I have some car sick stuff...we will see if it works but I will have enough room that I can actually stretch out and sleep (in between all the bumps).

Arrived

Just a quick note...after two attempts to land in Bangui with fog. A reroute to CHAD for more fuel. I finally arrived in Africa 4 hours later than expected but still arrived...yeah. I have already had one meeting and it went super well. I am now off to sleep and will tell more stories later.

Exhaustion

So, my travel plans consist of leaving my house at 12:45 pm on Tuesday, departing indianapolis for detroit at 2:49, arriving detroit at 4:01, leaving detroit at 9:30, arriving in Paris at 10:30 am on Wednesday, going to a hotel to sleep for a few hours, leaving Paris at 11:30 pm, and arriving in Bangui, Africa at 4:55 am on Thursday. Needless to say I am exhausted.

In Indy, I bought one of the fancy tempur-pedic pillows. It came in handy b/c the trip to Paris I got two seats and was able to sort of lay across them and get better sleep. The pillow was fantastic. I have to also say that the detroit airport was one of the best airports I have ever been in...clean, fancy, beautiful....only problem was it was along layover.

Now, down to the honesty part. Every time I take one of these trips I really struggle emotionally. I am excited by it but usually overwhelmed and really wanting to go home. I have learned a bit of why and they are all lies but I hate it. On the last trip, I had my melt down a week before I left. So, I think I was able to sort through everything (or a good part of it). This time it didn't really hit until the night before I left. Which means this entire "traveling" trip I have been so raw. I hate it because it isn't me...I want adventure. I love it. Yet, each time I go I get ripped apart. I have been praying a lot more than usual (should I admit such a thing). I feel like I can't breathe and that I have to beg God to just hold my head above the water. Oh how I hate it because logically it doesn't make any sense.

It makes me wonder is it courageous that I go inspite of myself or if I am too afraid to admit failure that keeps me going.

The love of adventure admist the butterflies

Well, it is September and it has been a while since I posted anything. My tendency is to only blog while traveling. I quess there is something therapeutic about it.

I leave tomorrow for another 3 week adventure in Africa. This time through I will be talking to the Africans about how to create and operate from holistic budgets. We all love those conversations. Add the dynamic that budgets really do not mean the same thing to Africans as they do to me...and we might have an interesting task ahead of us.

Largely, I have done well with this trip. I have tried really hard to see that my job is rather cool and to be passionate about the overall mission to empower the Africans. You tend to lose the focus when you are in the middle of the tasks and the emotional rollercoasters...or at least that is me. I have begun to get excited and to see this as truly an adventure. It is only three weeks and it will be fun. The last trip wasn't bad and this time I have a co-worker with me so it should be better. I have taken extensive moments to just sit and mediatate (some say it is prayer but really I was just trying to be still). Overall, I am going into this well. Until yesterday, my boss asked me if I was ready. A very nice caring question and the butterflies started to flutter around my stomach. I actually felt a sensation to throw up. It comes and goes but as I get closer they feel stronger. Maybe it has a tinge of excitement in it.

I feel sort of weird as I am packing. I relate it to a feeling that tomorrow the world is going to end and everything is surreal. Everyone is moving but it feels as if it is passing by towards oblivion and I am the only one who knows it. Odd. Yes, I know. In reality, I don't want to go on the 2 day trip to Africa. I have to be awake and ready to roll when I get there at 6 am on Thursday morning. I wish transporters like the ones in Starship enterprise actually existed. So, it just feels odd knowing that everything will change for a brief 3 weeks.

I am also looking forward to getting to sit next to a nice pool, read a book, and enjoy the warmth. I am looking forward to the routine of meeting with people and then relaxing that I have learned I must insist happens during my visits. I am looking forward to seeing people that I haven't seen in a while. Still the butterflies stir...

I am also nervous because I think I fear that something bad will happen....nothing has yet. My co-workers wouldn't put me in harms way but still...the plane could crash...the bandits could come. Yet, in reality any of that could happen hear in the states. Maybe I am just learning to face a reality I have just chosen to ignore most of my life....race ahead in the simplity of youth. I know God has a lot to say about this and I acknowledge it all with my head. However, my heart really is trying to catch up.

So, I sit. I try to calm my heart and mind. To simply reach out a hand and ask God to hold it (and yes I do literally imagine that sometimes). To acknowledge that I am just riding on Gods breathe as he changes the world. To realize that I have people who love me and they will still be here when I come home. To try to live in the now and love the adventure I am in.

Finishing up

I have three more hours till I head to the airport.  Today has been slow and long.  I woke up early to take the luggage to the check in and then I came back to the guest house to chill out.  Said good bye to people..took one last swim...man was that nice.  I think I got all the important stuff either in the luggage or my carry on.  I am leaving most of my stuff here...clothes, personal items, and such.  This way I don't have to truck it back and forth and it leaves room on my next trip to bring needed work items. 

 

I have supper with the people who manage the guest house tonight and then off to the airport.  The airport is an interesting experience as you have to show at least 15 people your passport.  The only ones that really matter are right before you board the airplane.  They are the only ones who actually appear to be from Air France and are really validating your passport.  In addition, you take your stuff through a scanner that doesn't work.  So, right before you board the pilots actually dig through your luggage to make sure you are not bringing anything harmful. 

 

Once you are on the plane, they close the doors with you in the plane and fumigate (sp?) the place.  Lovely huh....

 

I am a late nighter but leaving on a plane at 11 pm is actually pushing it a little for me.  After the day of negotiating the African airline system, I am just exhausted and want to sleep but I have just started another 24 hour day where it is highly unlikely I will actually sleep on the plane. 

 

Ahh...but tomorrow night I get to sleep in air conditioning in my bed.  How lovely is that.

 

My experience has not been as bad as I thought...I found ways to entertain myself and to relax.  I have learned a lot.  But I am ready to be home.

Afrcian Army, technology, and swimming pool

The place that I stay at in Bangui has an Army training compound across the street.  So, every morning I get to hear the African's chanting and marching.  It definitely has a different feel than an American Army march.  It feels much more rythmical.  Something in the voices almost sounds like a song.  It may simply be because I can not understand what they are saying but all the same it is interesting to hear them marching by every morning.

 

Every once in a while it gets very loud over there.  It is slightly nerve wracking as you imagine a heated fight flaring up with men with guns.  It is probably nothing but without the comprehension of what they are saying or even if it is an arguement I am left to my imagination. 

 

I was actually able to get to the highest point in the place I am staying and look into their compound.  I found that they were playing volleyball today.  I really did not expect them to be playing volleyball.

 

I also find that here everyone has cell phones and I have been asked to purchase people MP3 players and bring them back.  It is weird to me that they don't have electricity in their homes but they have mp3 players and cell phones.  Funny how they tend to just skip over the development stages that I thought they would have to go through.

 

Tomorrow I leave for the states.  It is a long day.  I take my luggage to the airport at 7 am and then wait around back at our house until it is time to leave.  The plane leaves at 11 pm.  So, I get to back tonight.  It will be nice to be home but I will miss not having a warm pool to swim in.

 

 

Meditation

Today was fairly uneventful.  I called a friend to wish her happy birthday.  I worked through a number of tasks.  The only thing I actually did with the Africans was to work with the Bangui accountant on reviewing his entries for the salary and then help him work through a daily reconciliation issue.  If I haven’t said it before, the main thing I am trying to accomplish in my visit is to teach the African accountants how to reconcile and to create a consistent way of filing information.  Before my visit, everything was filed so hap hazard like that it was difficult to find or prove things.  Well…honestly, you could find things but it took forever and you weren’t always guaranteed to find it.  I hope this new system actually works.  Only time will tell.

 

Today was actually very cool at a low of about 77 degrees and overcast.  The funny part is that it was very humid and I had a consistent dampness to my skin.  So, if I was outside when a ‘cool’ breeze came through I actually felt rather cold.  I knew in my head there was no way it was actually cold but I felt it.   I wanted to go to the pool but that overcast sky actually brought rain from about 1 to 4:30...the exact time frame for swimming.

 

This evening I had to eat by myself but I forgot to have the guys get me stuff.  I had to ask the Jewells to send a sentinel to get me a loaf of bread (baguette).  Then I couldn’t find the milk powder to cook up my pasta side dish.  So, I just ate peanut butter and bread.  When all else fails, PB and bread always works.  It is sort of odd eating by candlelight all by yourself.  The city normally turns the electricity off each night for about 2 -3 hours.  So, I had a romantic evening with myself.

 

Later I decided to just sit again and try to focus on God…not to ask questions but rather just to be in his presence.  As I closed my eyes, I felt like I was on a merry go round.  My thoughts were flying around and around in my head…slowly spinning to a slower and slower crawl as I tried to just reflect on God.  Never completely stopping.  I tried not to get mad at myself as thoughts about things I needed to get done, people I missed, or the fact that the electricity was now out for almost 5 hours kept coming back to the front of my thoughts.  Yet, I slowly felt that God was just present…even in the midst of my merry go round thoughts.  It isn’t that I necessarily heard him say anything rather it was like peace just slowly inched its way into me. 

Riding African Style

The trip to Bangui started at 6:45 am with the alarm clock going off.  For normal people, this is not unusual.  However, I am not a morning person so this seems like it is an inappropriate time for the eyes to open up.  I crawled out of bed and packed the last few items sitting around and then went to find the truck that was to take me to Bangui.  (In Sango, a truck is called “kutukutu” b/c the first truck that they saw made that sound as it drove by…extremely technical huh).  I found the truck and we loaded my stuff and then we went over to the garage to pick up the remaining people to go to Bangui.  Now, in Africa if you are going somewhere the expats swear that the African’s know it before you do and are asking for a ride.  I had myself, my translator, and my driver so we had two open seats.  Throughout the week Kim Cone (the expat living in Berberati) arranged to have two people fill those empty seats from a local mission group.  As we were loading up, I noticed that a good sized woman was loading all of her stuff and began to get in the back seat.  I was totally surprised and began to ask questions.  Well, it appears that this is the driver’s wife and she must come along too.  I was totally frustrated.  This was not the arrangement and I didn’t want to kick the other two people that Kim told me to bring out.  Since Kim had gone to Douala the day before I couldn’t solicit his help and I didn’t know what the right protocol was given the culture, so I had someone go get Kim’s wife.  In the end, all four of them piled in the back seat.  I know that this is customary for African’s as we drove by many vehicles piled high with people and stuff.  I still felt like a tool b/c I was sitting up front with plenty of space and they were packed in the back.  Yet, I knew that I would not be able to handle being that close to them for that long of a ride. 

 

We drove basically in silence with a conversation brewing every once in a while between the Africans.  We stopped for lunch and I think they all thought I was so weird b/c I would not get out of the car.  I pulled my bread out of the bag and layered on the peanut butter.  I knew the minute I stepped out of the car I would be hit up on every side by people wanting something.  As it was, there was a teenage boy banging on my window asking for food.  I intended to give him some when we were leaving but he was gone when we left.  I didn’t want to give it to him as I sat there because so many people were just watching me and they would instantly want something too.  The staring eyes just seemed overwhelming.  I wanted to observe this world without them gawking at me.  That isn’t really possible in the rural areas of CAR.

 

After lunch we came across this vehicle that had broken an axle.  I actually don’t know what was broken but one wheel was entirely off and it looked like the rod that connected the tires had snapped.  This vehicle had been piled high with people…as usual and some of them were military men.  They flagged us down and since they were military we had to stop.  They asked for a ride (of course my translator didn’t translate this I just gathered it from the conversation).  I had this stinken feeling that we would have to take them and I wanted to say absolutely not but no idea if that was wise.  In the end, the driver told them we didn’t have room.  I could tell they were looking at us like you got to be kidding.  You only have 6 people and there is nothing on your roof.  This would have been a huge liability and caused a lot of problems at control points.  In the end, the guys let us go.  I was so glad. 

 

Throughout the entire trip, they switched back and forth between Sango music and American music as they called it.  I know they were trying to be nice but it was Christian gospel or old time music and honestly I didn’t really like it.  I almost would prefer the Sango.  I tried to tell them just to enjoy their music but they insisted.  It felt very comical.

 

I think the driver must have been flying as it did seem like he was going fast and we made it back 2 hours earlier than when we went to Berberati.  Of course, they only stopped for about 15 minutes for lunch rather than the 45 minute stop on the way to Berberati….but 2 hours earlier is good time. 

 

The entire trip felt surreal and comical.  I have experienced my first trip without another expat with me and with African’s piled in (at least by my definition).  I felt like I was getting tricked into things b/c they kept asking for stuff and I hate to say no but really wanted to.  I had no idea what was going on most of the time…a lost puppy.  I just felt like laughing. 

 

All and all…I made it.  Safe and sound.  My stomach did not loose it.  I wasn’t that tired…a little sore but that will go away. 

 

Rollercoaster Part 2

So, I have wrapped up everything in Berberati. It ended up being fairly successful. At least as far as I can tell. We were able to set up a new way of reconciling items and a new way of filing and tracking items. Hopefully the guys understood what I said and will be able to complete it successfully. We will see.

I thought I would be dreadfully lonely here. About half way through the week here, I had a bit of a session of just feeling tired and lonely. The day off was great for me to just relax and take time to just sit in the presense of God...a meditation of sorts. I don't always understand it but a certain level of peace and patience has surrounded me. I think I will take the rest of my time in CAR and be sure to have moments to just sit. I learn alot about myself in the moments of stillness. I feel like I am able to release things. Of course, I know there is a long way to go but when I am able to be still I feel more balanced...like I am operating in God's hand. I recognize that God doesn't fight for our attention. He just sits there and waits it is quite beautiful. I hope to be able to full grasp how God views me. I think part of my struggles with loneliness is because I struggle to truly love myself and I think that part of that is because I don't see or believe the depth of God's love. Yet, I do...all in the same moment. I want to truly operate from that place of love. I feel like I am making absolutely no sense whatsoever. Oh, well...this is my blog and my place to ramble.

Tomorrow morning I wake up at 7 and get another 10 hour crazy rollercoaster ride on the roads to Bangui. Than 4 more days and a flight home. I hope that my stomach remains firm and strong. In October when I first came to Africa, it was actually the trip back that was the worst...that was when my stomach just lost it. I think it was because I started on the rollercoaster ride whereas when you come from Bangui to Berberati you start with paved roads and then transition to the rollercoaster. I have pills so...let us pray these natural and unnatural (I have both) pills work wonders. I am also driving with 4 Africans...little side note on Africans...they don't always smell the best. So, I hope the confined space isn't too overwhelming stench. Always an adventure when traveling in a 3rd World Country....I think God must be laughing.

African Labor Day

I woke up this morning at 9 am. Oh the sweet bed. I loved it. Of course, I felt sticky as it was a humid night. Allthough I had taken a shower the night before I refused to be sticky the entire day that I intended to get so refreshment. So, I started the day with a nice shower.

Since the guys were not working, the generator had not been turned on yet. So, I packed up my bags and walked over to the Murtoff's house. They have a nice large porch where I was able to sit in fairly comfortable chairs and read a book. It was very relaxing but the humidity of the day was definitely present. The guys had gone hunting so it was just myself, Marty Murtoff, and Jan Cone. We had this great lunch. Than I went back to the front porch to work on a few things. Of course, my computer only has so much battery so I had to go over to the garage and ask the guy to turn on the generator. That was interesting as he did not understand my very broken and horrible sango and I didn't understand his perfect sango. We worked it out and I went back to the sticky porch. I worked for a few more hours and then I began to read some more.

Around 4 this beautiful rain came to break the humidity and it miraculously cooled down. The sunset was fantastic. The colors of the sunset right after a rain are amazing. I wish I could have taken a picture but my camera never does the sunsets here justice.

At the end of the day, I do find myself slightly refreshed but I feel like I need another day. I did realize that I have been very frustrated lately b/c I want the guys to understand this stuff without much instruction on my part so that is not as necessary for me to come back. Yet, they don't get it that fast. I need to be more patient. I need to release my control freakish grip. They will learn it but I must be patient and consistant. Let's see how tomorrow goes when I am once again stuck in a small office (that smells) and the communication stinks.

Berberati

I have been in Berberati for three days now. I find the property quite beautiful and tranquil. I get the small house that used to be a small school house but was converted to a studio apartment. Which means one large room and a bathroom. The kitchen is actually a small room on the porch. I will have to remember to take a picture. It is actually quite comfortable. The property has a ton of flowers and feels very retreat like. At least the guest house side.

The garage and will drilling operation is on the other side of the road in another fenced in compound. The fence for both sides is basically sheets of metal (aluminum I think). The garage side is hustling with workers, dirty like all garages, and hot. I honestly feel like there is a ten degree difference just by crossing the road.

Even though Berberati is a very beautiful place, I am having a bit more of a hard time here. I am not exactly sure why except I feel like I am running in place with what I am trying to accomplish with the Africans. We are getting there but nothing has reconciled perfectly yet and I even started us in balance yesterday. We then went to reconcile today and it was out again. If everything is done as the process describes, this should not happen. We were out about 10 dollars today...doesn't seem like much but as an accountant it should be zero. Then the communciation feels like it is getting worse. Probably b/c of all the activity. I think what ultimately exhausts me is that I am not taking regular time to just detox. In Bangui, I went to the pool every day at 3 than came back ate and worked some more. Here I work until 5 ... go home and eat then work a little more...then I have started the Heros TV series. I am not sure TV actually refreshes me but I am addicted.

I feel like I get frustrated too easily and snap...I am sure the guys notice and I hate it.

I have not embarked out into the local village. At the end of the day, I feel exhausted. I just don't have energy. Yet, I deeply wish that I could just hang out with some of the local people and not be overwhelmed by the experience. To just enjoy their presence and getting to know different people...but every time I go for a walk a bunch of kids are following me. I wish I could handle that better.

Tomorrow is the African labor day...so the African's have the day off which means I get to detox a little. I am looking forward to this day. It means I work on Saturday and then leave for Bangui on Sunday but I don't care...I need the day.

Overall, this trip has not been as bad as I thought it would be. I don't feel overwhelmingly lonely all the time. I have my moments but for the most part it has been a time to go at a different pace...to stretch myself. I know this is good.

8 hour rollercoaster

As I was driving on the road from Bangui to Berberati, the mental image that kept popping up in my head was rollercoaster. I felt like I was on one.

The trip is 10 hours long and two hours are spent on paved roads or on breaks. So, 8 hours of the trip are on dirt roads with good sizes pot holes everywhere. It was a constant bump, dodge, sway, and swerve adventure. Truly, I felt like I was on the longest rollercoaster ride.

I actually did not get sick. I sat in the front, had the air conditioning blowing, and was given lost of calm your stomach medicine from other people in Bangui. I was so grateful. Still, I have arrived exhausted and sore. That is one long trip.

I was reminded as I rode of the thoughts I had last time I was here. It is so amazing the drastic difference between my world and these people's world. Life here is not easy. These people have to work very hard to get food or housing. It is just amazing. I don't even know how to formulate the thoughts related to it. I find that I want to put a wall of protection around my heart as I view the hardships. Survival tactics. Yet, I also don't want to become detached. I have no idea how to handle all of the emotions. Hurt for these people, longing to be home, tired, overwhelmed, relaxed, enjoyment, adventure, frustration, and the list goes on. All while on an 8 hour rollercoaster ride.

Books

In my down time, which I don't really have but I take anyway. I have been reading this book called eat, pray, love. I love it. I find it so refreshing. This lady has spent a year traveling to Italy, India, and Indonesia and it is about her journey. I am in the section where she is traveling to India. She is at an Ashram and as she talks through her struggles I find myself agreeing. They are not struggles with the traveling but rather with her self. It has made me think about taking this time in Africa as a time to be a little bit more still and to stretch myself. To be quiet at times and just listen to myself.


I wonder if difficult times are really a good thing. I hate pain. I hate discomfort. Yet, I know that so much of who we are develops during hard times. Either we learn to create survival tactics such as working like a horse (is that the right phrase) or removing all emotions. Or our hearts are really awakened and we can not do anything but deal with it. When I went to India, I was a wreck the entire trip. I think I cried every day. Yet, when I came back more than a few people told me that I came back calm and with a certain amount of peace. I am hoping that this trip brings more healing as I take time to be quiet and listen. They say that God can be found in the quiet. I tend to believe them.

Tomorrow, we travel to Berberati. My time in Bangui has been very good. I have taught the accountants how to reconcile between their safe and quickbooks. I think they have got it down. I have instructed them on how to record numerous entires that were not being recorded correctly. We still need to practice this a little bit more but they are getting better. We have corrected a number of issues. So, it has been very productive. I am now going to Berberati to do the same thing. We will be traveling on a dirt road with huge pot holes for 10 hours. Yes, 10 hours. And guess who gets car sick on smooth roads in the states. You are correct...that would be me. I am dreading this trip. However, I insisted on an air conditioned car that is nicer and my dear boss has nicely produced that car. I am very appreciative. Another expat provided me with ginger pills that are supposed to sooth the stomach. Oh, I pray God is kind to me and the trip goes well. I feel a little sick today but it is probably all in my mind. Mind over stomach that is what tomorrow will be.

Translation

Today was hot...until the time when I went to the pool. A little storm came through in the distance that broke the heat. So, the evening has been quite cool. I hope I sleep well.

I have been rather frustrated today. My translator and I are having difficulties. I don't know what is appropriate to share or not but I am not sure this translator will work out. This is not very exciting news as I will then have to struggle through communicating without anyone to help. My accountants know a little english and if I speak slow enough and use enough motions we figure it out...but it would be much simplier if I had a good translator.

The hard part with that is that it makes me feel like I am doing this alone. I have good teammates at home who I can talk to about this but I still feel alone as I engage in it.

It is probably a good thing...but I feel rather weak out here. I am reading a book where she talks about the fact that men go to war over two things...for love and for control. I feel at war with my issues of wanting control and I despirately want to have those around me that I know love me without question...but that is probably my eternal struggle.

Poolside Sanity

The lovely American Ambassador has this fantastic pool at his residence. He and his wife let all the American expats swim in the pool from 2 - 5:30 each day. I have come to truly believe there is healing power in water. Well, I don't really know if there is healing power but there is something about water that is quite therapeutic.

The days here are hot. I never stay in the sun for any amount of time if I can help it and I do my best to sit in front of a fan constantly. Unfortunately, everyday the electricity goes out. Usually from 6:30 to 9:00 each night...which means that lovely fan also goes out. I sit inside a room with little air movement other than that fan all day. Needless to say when the afternoon hits...I am usually quite sticky. Most likely rather foul smelling also.

I have also found myself going back and forth between I want to be home and I want to stay here. I don't mind the work but I really wish at the end of the day...I could go home. I do my best to keep busy or around people...but still I just want my bed at night and I want the drama of my friends life again.

To give me a place to rejuvienate, I have decided that every day at 2:30 or 3:00 I will go to the pool. It is simply a small walk up the street. The water is beautiful. I swim laps (having actually remembered my googles) while the older ladies swim laps doggie style without there heads ever going under the water. Ah the sweet water...it refreshes my soul. I know that sounds cheesy but truly something in me relaxes as I swim in water. Afterwards, I sit poolside and read a book. There are lovely flowers around and I am sitting in shaded area so it feels very cool.

Without this lovely pool, I think I would have fewer moments of I enjoy this place and be despirately desiring my airconditioned home and familar faces and drama. I think there is a ton of truth to the statement that it is better to take moments to recharge than to constantly be discharging.

Ridiculous

To continue the saga of my passport....

Thursday, I emailed a friend and asked her to go to my house and dig through a ton of paper work to find the copy of my passport and visa that I had made. Of course, I didn't leave it in a handy location so I am sure she had to dig for a while. I have amazing friends!!!!!

On friday, I woke up and went to the embassy to start the process for getting a new passport. I had to fill out 4 forms...one of which was to file a lost or stolen report and another to get a new one. We then had to get a police report stating that it was lost. This task alone could have been a huge hassle but the guy at the embassy called a friend and it went super smooth. I had to find a photo booth which is basically a stand on the side of the road where I sit on a stool and a man holds a white sheet up behind me. They then provided a nicely done passport size photo....pretty impressive for a stand on the side of the road. Of course, we asked for only four and they produced 6 which we then had to pay for. We had to truck back to the office to get $100 to pay for the new passport. This whole process took about 4 hours of our time on Friday morning. I was very appreciative of Heidi, a Bangui missionary, who went with me through this entire process to help if there were any problems.

Than this morning, I woke up and finally had some time to unpack my stuff. As I was doing so, I noticed an odd looking paper under my night stand. I bent down to see what it was and found it to be my plane ticket and right behind it was my passport. Oh my gosh...I am the biggest idiot. I could have sworn that I had dropped it at the airport...but I was totally wrong. What a fool?

To get the passport, they had to send the paperwork to Yaounde Cameroon via DHL. It isn't supposed to arrive until Monday morning. The embassy is closed on the weekend so I will have to call on Monday morning and see what they want me to do. I just need to make sure they have not cancelled my passport in the system because if they have than the passport is useless and I will need a new one anyway.

I swear...I bring drama whereever I go. I am very grateful for friends who are willing to walk through my stupidity. They are truly the best and I am so sorry for all the hassle I have caused....ugh all around!!!

Tomorrow is Sunday...I agreed to go with Heidi to a Sango church. I am really not excited for this. It is hot, uncomfortable, long, and I don't understand a word. Hey, it will end so I can make it through. ...right? She also asked me to go to a communion later on...which in this denomination means the breaking of the bread, the love feast, and the washing of the feet. It is what is called a three part communion...I decided against that one...largely becuase the love feast is gozo and I just can not stomach that food. I will tell you more about that food later.

Traveling Ding Bat

I have figured out that the only time I blog is when I travel. I think it is a sweet craving. A way for me to not feel alone and to share with those who love me with out filling their emails with pesty updates.

This is my second successful trip to Africa since I joined ICDI. I say successful because I tried to come in Feb but due to fog, snow, and technical difficulties I was delayed so long in Chicago that I missed the flight from Paris to Bangui. A flight that only happens once a week. So, this is my rescheduled trip.

Over the past few weeks, I have been relatively nervous about this trip. I have this deep seated fear of loneliness. I fear that I will be stuck in Africa all alone and deeply longing to be home with those I love. I would cry hefty tears over this the past few weeks. Then the Thursday before I left a certain amount of peace came over me. I realized that I was loved, people wanted to hear my story, they cared, and they were cheering me on. I also realized that this is only 3 weeks and I will return home. I need to enjoy this process...enjoy the moment. I still have moments of tears but they feel true and refreshing. Like it is ok to long for something else while enjoying the moment.

The trip here went smoothly. No delays...good seats. A good 7 hour sleep in Paris hotel. I had a few tears as we landed in Bangui...a feeling of I wanted to be home but that passed. Than I went through the maze of security and custom checks. Stood packed next to the belt waiting for the luggage. It was hot!!!! I had my passport in my hand b/c I knew they would ask one more time to see it before I walked out the door. I was wrong they wanted my baggage slips and they happened to be deep in my carry on. So, I put down the passport and pulled out the slips. I handed the slips to the man and was waved on so I moved on but my passport remained where I put it. Of course, I didn't realize this until 3 hours later when we went to register myself at the embassy and I couldn't find it anywhere. The African's dug through the car and went back to the airport asking around but nothing was found.

Idiot is probably the better word for this. It seems almost hysterical that my fear for this trip was being stuck here and I lose my passport. I can't get out without my passport. I was surprisingly calm. I figure I will just go to the embassy tomorrow and begin the process. I shouldn't freakout until I know I should be freaking out. Of course, my dear friend Bob came in and said that this could be a big problem. I immediately started to cry as the emotion of that overwhelmed me. I don't usually cry in front of co-workers but sweet Bob just let me cry and processed through some of my fears and pain. It helps to be real and messy and then look up to see a friend has not run out on your sloppy mess. Another missionary lady, Heidi, will go with me tomorrow to work through everything. She is friends with the ambassador and thinks we can get this all worked out.

My deep prayer is that God allow the passport of this traveling ding bat be reissued or found before the three weeks are up.