Christmas Cookies

I am truly an extrovert. However, I function very independently and very much on my own. While I do deeply enjoy the peace and quietness, too much time on my own and I find that I begin to lose a little bit of myself. I doubt me. I second guess and speak discouragingly to myself.

For months, I have felt uncomfortable around people...wondering what they are thinking of me...seeing my every word as idiotic. But that isn't me...I love engaging in people. Not thinking about me but thinking about them. Enjoying what they bring to the conversation...which in turns frees me to bring myself to the table.

Lately, I have felt myself reconnecting with my true self. I feel more comfortable with who I am again...

I decided I would start off the Christmas style with others in mind. So, my roommate and I made cookies. We made 7 dozen sugar cookies covered with cream cheese frosting and colorful sprinkles...they shown with joy as we placed them on Christmas green plastic plates. Then after the Colts amazing football game...we crossed the street and handed cookies to the neighbors.

The conversations were short and pleasant...but the smiles that came across their face was tender. It wasn't some amazing act of kindness. It was just a simple gift that said...we were thinking of you.

But I think the true blessing and energy was for me. I did something intentional for someone else who never expected it and got to simply enjoy the process.

Simple Smile

When I was a child. I used to be fascinated with figure skating. I don't remember ever being vocal about it. If I was flipping through channels and saw a show on...I would constantly come back to the performance.

Secretly, I wished I could do some of those spins. I was particularly fascinated with the up beat routines. I wanted to be that beautiful or lively. I wanted to feel the power of a twist or the flip.
Since I couldn't do that, I always wanted to be in the crowd watching the show. I wondered how much cooler it would be to be there and actually see them.

The funny thing is I never told anyone. I am sure my parents saw that I enjoyed it but that it was one of those personal dreams that I just kept and never thought could or would ever be realized.

Well, the other day I was sitting in my living room with my roommate. I came across a figure skating show. For the first time ever, I told her my secret childhood dream. I sort of laughed about it as I told her.

Well, this roommate travels 4 days out of the week and is currently in D.C. for a project. For this week she had to work over the weekend and asked if I wanted to come out and hang out. I get a free airflight and hotel room (paid by miles and her company) and I got to see some friends. Sounded good to me. So...off we went.

After it was all arranged she informed me that I was getting an early Christmas present. It turned out she was taking me to a figure skating show. I was so excited. I couldn't believe she first of all was actually listening to me when I admitted my secret dream and second that she logged it away in her head as a potential gift.

I was excited but figured it was just a low priced show. I didn't think there were going to be any big wig skaters.

I walk into the Verizon Center in D.C. and the ring is beautifully decorated with these white diamond shaped boxes...colors shining through them in a kaleidoscope manner. The next thing I know they are announcing that this is being recorded for a TV show to be aired on Thanksgiving day. Not only that but ALL the big professional skaters are here. Scott Hamilton, Kristi Yamaguchi, Nancy Kerrigan.

I got all choked up. Not because the event was all that special or spectacular. Although, I did love it. I got choked up because a dream I never thought would ever happen came true. I am usually a person who dreams of something and then makes it happen. But for some reason, this was left on my shelf of childhood silly dreams never to be taken down and made happen. I could have easily made it happen but never did. But tonight, it came true.

Not only was I watching a Figure Skating performance. I was watching a Televised performance. The very shows I would sit in front of and secretly wish I could be there for...I was getting to actually be there.

It was an enchanting evening...I loved every moment. And it is in these moments that I feel the love of both my friend and God. I don't usually over spiritualize things but I felt the simple heavenly smile that said I pulled this all together simply because I enjoy you. Not because you did anything to deserve it. I knew your childhood dream and I made it happen. I wanted to see your soul leap with a simple joy of being seen and celebrated.

Sick Thoughts

Last night, I was drinking my regular cup of tea when I noticed this roughness in my throat. That twinge of discomfort that usually signals a cold coming on.

Throughout the night, I kept waking up wanting to wash down whatever was rough and to blow out my nose all the liquid that was building up.

Today, I have found that my head is feeling like a knife is logged through my temporal and sticking out both sides.

I have already had my seasonal sickness in September. What in the world has gotten into my body.

The problem with being sick is that I have no motivation to work. It is hard to focus. So, I crawl into bed and try to sleep. My problem is that I can't sleep...so I think.

I think about weird things...the last Dexter movie...the sounds in the house that make me think someone is in the house...

I think about busy things...I have so much to do...heck, I even called the garage door guys bc the remote needs to be fixed (why did I do that when I am sick).

I think about deep things...the problem with my deep things is that I feel like I am thinking and like I am NOT thinking at the same time. I think about the fact that we are all so selfish...I think often of myself. What does it mean to extend Grace to others. I have often been told it means to bend over and love those who do wrong to us. Love being that we put up with it. The agitated words that tear me down and make me angry. Just love the person in response. I am beginning to wonder what does it mean to love someone but not to say I will stand here and let you abuse me. You may use all the Christian words but you are still abusing me. I love you but I will not respond to the abuse or remain in its path. How does one do that?

I think about who God is...what do I believe. I get bored with all the same old stories. Same old responses. Sometimes I wonder if I even believe in Him. I feel caught in a conundrum of things that make sense and things that just don't. I know I get the responses of humans mixed with the responses of God and I don't know how to separate.

But I am sick...and my thoughts just ramble.

Home Sweet Home

Wake up 7:30 AM.

Stay awake all day.

Get on an airplane at 10:30 PM

24 hours from boarding the airplane in Bangui, I crawl out of the plane to the Indianapolis airport.

I have been awake 39 hours. There are a few attempts at sleeping in there but really I have been awake.

I am exhausted!!!

30 minutes into the flight from Atlanta to Indianapolis we hear that we are carrying a fallen solider home. When we arrive at the airport we need to remain seated while the Army Officer escorting the solider home can get off the plane. When we land, every Indianapolis airport fire truck and fireman is lined up to greet the coffin. The family is waiting beside the security officers for the solider to be taken off of the airplane. We sit in the plane looking out the window at this family stricken with grief.

We get off the plane but can not help but stand at the window and watch. The family appears to be a mother, father, two sisters, and a wife (or girlfriend). The wife stands away from the family eager to run to the casket. When they finally let them get closer the woman is antsy with the pain. You can see how much she just wants to hold or touch the person in that coffin. You want her to have that final moment.

I wanted to fall over from exhaustion...I wanted to run into the arms of the person welcoming me home and cheer that I have reached my home...but I was glued to that window with tears streaming down my eyes. My heart absolutely ached for that family. I wanted it not to be so. I imagined what it would be like to be in that situation. It is painful thinking about it. I thought of the families I know that have someone in the service, I pray they never have to wait plane side as the body of their loved one comes out.

Life just hurts sometimes.

Airport

The best way to get luggage on the airplane is to get up early and go to Air France at 8 in the morning. Of course the plane doesn't leave until 10:15 pm but you drop your bags off early.

Usually, it is a mess. Lots of people in what does not appear to be any order. Hot and smelly.

I was amazed this time. They were organized. They had the roped off lines (like most airports) and they had opened earlier. We were the only ones in there. They processed us through without any issues.

Stinkn amazing and super easy. Flying out of Africa is getting easier...I just wonder if they could make it that organized at the airport.

I am getting ready to eat pizza for dinner and then a jungle of mess at the airport. At least 20 people check the passport...and you have no idea where you are supposed to go...at least you would have no idea if I hadn't already done it a few times.

Ah the joys of Africa travel....see you in the States!!!

Great Complement and Ultimate Crash

Here in Africa the guys get a bonus based on the quality of work they perform. For the accountants, I am the one who initiates the provision of that bonus based on my review. The day started with me providing feedback and providing them a bonus for their work. It was good to be able to give them an encouragement as it is very difficult for them being that they are the ones who have to manage all the many requests and demands from below, above, and equal fellow employees.

As we finished, one of my accountants said that he does this job as an honor to God (he is a muslim). He wanted to thank me for the opportunity to honor God and wanted to thank me for the time I have invested in training and developing these guys. He voiced that the work I have done here will have impact on his grandkids and their kids. Meaning that the foundation and development worked with this small group of people, will and can have a continuing impact on generations.

What a beautiful compliment....some might say that the Africans flower with compliments bc they want something. I hate that mentality. It totally undervalues the African. I believe they are sincere in their work ethic, character, and words. They struggle with cultural dynamics but great men and women.

So, after that we went back into training. Around 3 pm I was finished...I had completed everything I came out here to talk about and train on. All the hard work. All the emotional bravery. All the long hours. For this small assignment were done.

I went back to my room exhausted...layed down bc I was so tired and simply cried. I did not expect the tears. I did not realize how much tension I was holding to complete this job well and in good spirits. When the job was finished, it simply came.

Of course, it was not all done...around 3:30 I had two issues erupt. Issues that can be so discouraging. Issues that scream lies that I am doing a horrible job. I fight hard to not interpret others actions as I am less than worthy.

So, I feel like today was bit of an emotional rollercoaster. I am ready to go home. Tomorrow night at 11 pm...which is 6 pm in the states...I board the plane. Then 24 hours later I arrive at my house.

Reese's Pieces

I am an odd cat. Truly odd..ask any of my friends.

When I travel, I bring with me Reese's Pieces. They are my comfort food. When I can't find any food that hits the spot and I want that sweet something that reminds me of home..I turn to the pieces. The oddity is that I don't eat them at home...so why would they remind me of home. I sincerely do not know.

My other regular is a cup of tea. It reminds me to chill. I am not much of a coffee drinker. The Africans laugh at me. They drink coffee more than tea and do not understand why I don't really like coffee. In addition to not really liking the taste, I think I also like tea more because it feels more calm. You drink coffee to put caffeine in you and to wake you up...get you moving. You drink tea to unwind at the end of the day. To feel some calm and peace. As a rule I enjoy the calm and peace more than the up and movement of caffeine rushing through my system.

Of course, I do drink caffeinated tea and soda at times...so I am also a slight contradiction.

Goats

Each day, I sit in the dining room which is basically a very large screened in porch and I hear the cars zipping by. I also get to listen to this rhythmical sound coming from the direction of the bus station. Really quick I frequency spurts...they remind me of goats. Truly, there must be a bunch of goats over in that direction.

So, the other day I decided to for a walk to find the dang goats. I exited the fenced in wall of our offices and turned right. I began walking looking for the goats. The first thing you come to is the bus station. Now, when I say bus what I really should say is one of those VW vans. Each "bus" is painted green with yellow letters for 'bus". Most are are packed sky high with people. The 'bus" rides so low that I wonder how it continues to operate. There is no sign on the bus telling you were it is going...so I often wonder how they know if they have the right bus.

No goats there and so I walk on past the bus station to the soveigner shops...still no goats but the sound is now behind me.

I realize that the goats are really people walking around the bus station yelling out something. I understand little sango so I had no clue what they were yelling. But it made me smile that they sound like goats.

I later asked Bob. He said they yell out the neighborhoods that they are traveling to....Ah...so now I understand how they know which bus goes where...they yell like a goat and all is understood.

Wrong Side of the Bed

The phrase wrong side of the bed is an interesting phrase. In my wondering of how that phrase ever came to existence I found:

The Romans thought the left side to be the "evil one." A citizen entered a friend's home with his right foot forward. Some wealthy families even hired a "footman" to insure proper entry of all guests. The English word sinister (meaning wicked or evil) is derived from the Latin word meaning "left side."

Well...today I felt like an evil one. I simply was not in the mood. I did not want to work. I did not want to train anyone. I am not sure what I wanted to do but work and train was not a part of it.

Then in the middle of training, I found that one of my accountants disk drive isn't working so I could not load a program. I want to slap him silly. How in the world did you break this? It is only a year old.

Of course, he gave the exaggerated loud sounds of frustration at the disk drive not working. But I think he fully knew it. I was a little unhappy with him to say the least. I have no way to determine if it was valid or not but unhappy I still was.

Yet, today I could tell that all of us were tired...training is exhausting. We all wanted to stop talking and go home...so by three we called it a day.

Still I had many things to do and the headache was building...so I took a show and a small rest. Then back to work....lovely adorable work.

I guess this was just one of those unpleasant days. Nothing really horrible or worth truly complaining about...simply the wrong side of the bed.

Ice Cream

Almost every day in Africa, I have drowned out the quietness or lack of interaction with a TV show that I brought with me. I finished three seasons of Dexter after everyone has left for the day and I sit by myself or on the weekends when there is little to do.

Today, I chose not to watch anything. I simply worked on preparing for the upcoming week and reading a book. I was still...the problem with being still is sometimes you realize things.

I have begun to realize that I have so much to do in the next two months. I have to finish setting up the new system (that I came here to train the guys on) so that we are ready to "go live" with it in January/February timeframe. I have to pull together the budget for next year (while this will be a joint effort I still know it will take a ton of my energy). I have to finish up the reports for the year. I have to prepare for next year's audit (ICDI's first audit). All of that while maintaining the daily emergencies and money management, which in and of itself is a full time job.

All of this overwhelms me...honestly, it makes me not want to work. I want to run away. However, I didn't run away. I actually focused a little today because I knew that I could not waist my time...still I want to disappear, pick a different life.

Sometimes I tell people what I do...they often are impressed. I don't get it. Internally, I roll my eyes. Truly, it is a job. There is nothing special about it. I, just like everyone else, have the opportunity in my day to day operations to encourage, empower, love, and spread warmth. Just because my job results in clean water for people doesn't make it any more impressive. It is how we love the people in front of us. My job is frustrating...pisses me off...can be fun...is an adventure...rewarding...hurts...brings joy...all of the things any job can be. Today it feels overwhelming and I have felt that in other jobs.

To deal with all of that tension...I decided that I would get ice cream. I walked to the grand cafe. Trampled the red dirt to a freezing cold patisserie called the "Grand Cafe". Spent $1 on a single scoop of Chocolate ice cream...selected from the vast number of flavors: Coconut, Vanilla, and Chocolate. Slowly ate each bit, enjoying the flavor as each spoonful rested in my mouth.

In the guest house, I decided to call a friend, eat some spaghetti, and read a book.

Sometimes, it is good to not have something to drown out your day. To really see that you are trying to run away and to face it. At least for a little bit, then to realize that there is more to life and rather than be overwhelmed I need to feel the world around me and enjoy a small bowl of ice cream.

Sleeping In

The sweet feeling of a soft cushion under your entire body. The fluffy pillow cradling your head. You wake up and know that most people have been up for hours. Yet, the draw to close your eyes and let your body continue to relax is too strong. So, you hit the snooze and sleep on. I absolutely love the ability to sleep in. I love getting to stay up late at night doing whatever you wish knowing that you can sleep as long as you desire the next morning.

Then as you slowly come to consciousness you realize that your body has begun this slow ache at having remained in the same position for too long. The muscles are screaming for me to move and use them as they were meant to be used. The brain a groggy disillusioned haze trying to understand why my muscles must move. Eventually, the brain gives in. The legs swing over the edge of the bed...in slight confusion I wander to the restroom and begin the daily regime to slowly wake up.

Usually, I stand under a stream of water as it washes the grogginess away. However, the shower head is not the best here in Africa. It doesn't really stream water more like trickle it straight down the wall...so to get the water to rinse my head I must hold the shower head above my head. It sort of takes away from the sweet glory of the rushing water for the morning arousal. But it still works...I eventually begin to see the world clearly.

I wander into the kitchen and make a cup of tea. I eat my strawberry Nutri-grain bar and finish reading my third book. I sit in quiet stillness as I appreciate the world around me.

I love days where I do not have to start it a certain way. Days where I can move at my pace. I still have plenty to do and I have begun working but I got to start it my way.

Melt Away

Do you ever feel like your mind is a blank and yet at the same time that it is processing many things? I sort of do today.

This week has been full. I spent it training on my new accounting system. They guys are very smart and are picking up on it quickly. I will leave them with a demo system for two months and then come back in January/February to get them started on this live. (Cross your fingers I hope that the time line works out).

I have been watching a good amount of old Dexter shows...reading books in my down time. Nothing grandiose...yet I feel something building in me. I am not exactly sure what it is.

I have been reading some of the Borders best selling books...it is funny how so many stories and thoughts of others you read in these stories. They all seem to be so disappointing. The reoccurring theme is that we all have this loneliness. This ache in us that we try to manage throughout our life and in the end we die. We are all fundamentally the same whether we are rich or poor...we are deeply looking for someone to truly know us.

I find it interesting how that theme seems to raise itself...because sometimes in my loneliness I feel like I am the only one who is lonely...but truly that isn't true. Everyone is...it just depends on how deeply we feel it or how much we drown it out.

I say that and yet this trip is not near as lonely as other trips...still present but not as bad. Yes, there are people around who I talk to but this world is not me. I don't feel free to just be me and thus it can get lonely.

However, today I walked around outside. It was nice. It was good to just feel alive...to walk through the dirt, mud, trash, and stares of others. To recognize that even if I am not fully known by another person here...it is still good to be alive. To get to see and feel a world that is simply different than my own. To see that even though I may not live in the same type of house, speak the same language, have the same traditions...these people get frustrated, hurt, angry, lonely over the same types of things.

Sometimes, I don't think they are real...all these Africans. I don't think that they really feel like I do. There life is so incomprehensible by me...it is easier to not think they are real. However, that simply is not true. They are just as smart, messy, good, bad, and ignorant as I am. They feel lonely...they feel connected..they fight to live well.

All these thoughts are floating through my head and more...yet, I feel like I am motionless and thoughtless. I feel exhausted. I simply want to melt away tonight...melt into a blissful sleep.

True Extravert

Africa is the same old place. Nothing really has changed. Everything is covered in red dirt. The clean things of this place would be hideously dirty to many people I know. Lots of geckos, lizards, mosquitos, and other fun bugs.

I did see for the first time these tiny little frogs...they were kinda interesting.

This trip I am focusing on training the guys on a new accounting software. I am excited about the software because it will improve a number of issues that I am currently having with quickbooks. However, it is a slightly more complicated system and it only operates over the internet. I was nervous that the internet would not be working and all my plans for this trip would not work out.

Yet, the internet is working fine and the training is going well. I think the guys will figure it out nicely...I even had one turn to me and ask was this on an SQL server bc many of the commands looked like SQL. I was floored...he knew about SQL...well, yes it is on a SQL server and I am very impressed.

The hardest part about this trip is once again how lonely I get. I am a stinkn extravert. At night, I am alone. On the weekends, totally alone. I have brought TV shows and books...but they only last for so long. I have done fairly well but had a few tears fall on Monday after too many days by myself and the internet had gone down so I couldn't even call someone.

Tomorrow, Bob comes. That will be nice to have someone around at night and weekends (and he speaks english)...but Bob is an introvert and needs to be left alone...Yet, that is way better than nobody around so I am still excited.

Off to Africa Again

The last trip was about a year ago. It was such a hard trip for me that it took me quite a while to be ok with going back. I enjoy the people tremendously but often feel isolated and lonely. I think that is caused even more because I get fearful I will get stranded in Africa. A little ridiculous but the truth all the same.

So, I took a year off and hoped that some things would change in my heart. For about two weeks prior to going, I was concerned that I would breakdown prior to going. I usually am so busy that I don't think about it and then it comes time to pack and get on the plane...everything starts to crash. And it can be a downward spiral.

This time I didn't crash as much. I had a few moments but I had a friend with me this time. Usually, all my friends are busy and not around for the packing and chaos of last minute details. It was nice to have a friend help and stop to give me a hug as the tears fell. Then I got on the plane to Paris and can honestly say I am doing ok.

I got a window seat to Paris and had a very nice man sit next to me. Other than my knee hurting from being cramped it was overall good.

Then the flight to Bangui was its usual interesting. They always have sooo much stuff. I am dumbfounded. I thought I was getting an empty seat next to me but the last guy on the plane was my guy. He had a lot of stuff too...so much that he could not find space for it. So, he put it between his legs. Entirely covered the floor. In a flight in the states, this would be against aviation rules...but when going to Africa anything goes. The sucky part was that he had to spread his legs to get it in and invaded my already small and cramped space. The nice thing was that bc he was so uncomfortable he stood in the back for 4 of the 7 hours...I was able to lounge out in my two chairs.

Arrival in Bangui was a little crazier than usual. I didn't bring the normal luggage so I couldn't just tell someone to pick up this bag so I had to wait at the belt to get my stuff. You seriously can't move. You pull out your luggage and there is no where to go. The people are crammed so tight together....and they are so tall compared to me. I was lucky to get a spot at the front. You lug 50 lbs through packed area and try hard to keep your balance. The nice thing is that people were kind enough to help me balance...they can't help it when they are that close together.

Then the guys wanted to fine me for bringing in new tools. So, we just stood there with begging faces until they finally just said ok....it probably helps a little that I can not speak their language...maybe it has nothing to do with it.

I got back to the guest house...said a few hellos and then slept for 4 hours...sometimes a bed even in heat is heavenly.

Soul Enriching

Every once in a while I take a day and just take it as it comes. I don't plan much. I just keep moving slowly and pleasantly doing what I want as I want it.

I find these days very therapeutic and wish every day could be as soul enriching.

I got up around 8:30 and laid in bed until 9. I grabbed a book and cup of tea to go sit on the back porch to read a book about someone traveling the world. Eventually I finished and did a 10 minute meditation...just calming. I decided to then start some laundry and actually get dressed. Fixed my bike that was all messed up due to someone the wrong size riding it. Took a bike ride to get some sushi. Sat outside, ate the sushi, continued the book, had pleasant conversation with a few people, and then rode my bike to my office.

My mind feels good. My body feels good and still tingling from the movement of the bike. My stomach feels refreshed with healthy food (which lately I have not been treating it to anything but grease and fat).

It is a day where I don't try to be something I am not. I am not trying to meet all the deadlines or solve my internal insecurities. Life is simple. No electric car...nature at its best. Honest work to just live. Accepting me as I am...moving with the rhythm of life. Yet still, I am getting a good amount of things done.

Wouldn't it be nice if I could slow down enough to be aware of and enjoy life in such a manner as this every day?

Breathe Deep

Over the past few days, I have found myself struggling deeply with accepting myself. I have been in situations which have dug up very old feelings of having to be someone I am not. Situations that make me feel like it is very unsafe for me to just spell out exactly what I am struggling with, to be honest with what I believe (or don't believe). I have no idea what is truth or not truth. If I voiced all of it, I truly wonder would I be accepted or not. Is my feeling that it would be dangerous to say where I stand on an issue reality...

Almost immediately following these situations, I find myself in the midst of people that are driving me crazy. They aren't being wrong or bad...they are just annoying me. And once someone starts to annoy me, I find that deep down I start judging them. Subconsciously I start viewing myself as better than them.

What an interesting picture. One day I am scared someone will judge me if I let them see me truly and the next day I judge another.

I have fought hard to just reflect on the individuals that are bugging me and to see them truly as they are...in all their beauty, insecurities, desires, and movements. To see all people as struggling to be happy.

I am beginning to think that at the core of each of us is a desire to be happy. I can read it in many books spanning many spiritual journeys and religions. I wonder if people's judgment of others is more from a position of trying to control a situation...to control a situation that has the potential of making someone unhappy. I know that is too simplistic.

What about the sinful nature or those living in sin? (I was literally asked this question).

I don't know the answer. But I feel like that isn't ours to judge...it is God's. We distort that judgment...it becomes so ugly and wrong.

I am rambling...largely I feel like I am breathing deep to accept myself. To love me and in turn love others...to stand firm in who God created me to be and not in what other's think I should be.

Changes

I was nervous to move. I cried often as I said good bye to something I loved. I truly sat in two emotions at the same time. Is that possible? They say not but it sure felt like it. Excitement for something new...sadness for something past.

I moved on June 25. So far I have loved it!!

There are many little shops to sit and eat or drink while reading a book. There is a bike trail that extends way north to downtown Indy that runs right through broad ripple. My office is a 15 minute walk (at my slow leisurely pace). The house has these great mature trees and I am so a forest girl. The backyard is/will be beautiful. It is a little garden. I love to sit there and read a book or meditate. Honestly, I feel like I am in a little European city where I get to walk to everything and sit in cafes.

Get this...friends actually just stop by. They are walking dogs or just out and decide to stop by because they live so close. And the neighbors actually talk to us.

The pace suits me. The environment suits me. Funny...for years I didn't want to come down to Broad Ripple because everyone else was doing it...I wanted to be me. The truth is I probably would not have enjoyed it the way I do now. The journey of life lets you appreciate things much differently at different stages of life.

Even with this, it still doesn't feel like home...I feel like I am on a great vacation. Hopefully 5 years from now I will stink'n love this vacation.