Melt Away

Do you ever feel like your mind is a blank and yet at the same time that it is processing many things? I sort of do today.

This week has been full. I spent it training on my new accounting system. They guys are very smart and are picking up on it quickly. I will leave them with a demo system for two months and then come back in January/February to get them started on this live. (Cross your fingers I hope that the time line works out).

I have been watching a good amount of old Dexter shows...reading books in my down time. Nothing grandiose...yet I feel something building in me. I am not exactly sure what it is.

I have been reading some of the Borders best selling books...it is funny how so many stories and thoughts of others you read in these stories. They all seem to be so disappointing. The reoccurring theme is that we all have this loneliness. This ache in us that we try to manage throughout our life and in the end we die. We are all fundamentally the same whether we are rich or poor...we are deeply looking for someone to truly know us.

I find it interesting how that theme seems to raise itself...because sometimes in my loneliness I feel like I am the only one who is lonely...but truly that isn't true. Everyone is...it just depends on how deeply we feel it or how much we drown it out.

I say that and yet this trip is not near as lonely as other trips...still present but not as bad. Yes, there are people around who I talk to but this world is not me. I don't feel free to just be me and thus it can get lonely.

However, today I walked around outside. It was nice. It was good to just feel alive...to walk through the dirt, mud, trash, and stares of others. To recognize that even if I am not fully known by another person here...it is still good to be alive. To get to see and feel a world that is simply different than my own. To see that even though I may not live in the same type of house, speak the same language, have the same traditions...these people get frustrated, hurt, angry, lonely over the same types of things.

Sometimes, I don't think they are real...all these Africans. I don't think that they really feel like I do. There life is so incomprehensible by me...it is easier to not think they are real. However, that simply is not true. They are just as smart, messy, good, bad, and ignorant as I am. They feel lonely...they feel connected..they fight to live well.

All these thoughts are floating through my head and more...yet, I feel like I am motionless and thoughtless. I feel exhausted. I simply want to melt away tonight...melt into a blissful sleep.