Christmas Cookies

I am truly an extrovert. However, I function very independently and very much on my own. While I do deeply enjoy the peace and quietness, too much time on my own and I find that I begin to lose a little bit of myself. I doubt me. I second guess and speak discouragingly to myself.

For months, I have felt uncomfortable around people...wondering what they are thinking of me...seeing my every word as idiotic. But that isn't me...I love engaging in people. Not thinking about me but thinking about them. Enjoying what they bring to the conversation...which in turns frees me to bring myself to the table.

Lately, I have felt myself reconnecting with my true self. I feel more comfortable with who I am again...

I decided I would start off the Christmas style with others in mind. So, my roommate and I made cookies. We made 7 dozen sugar cookies covered with cream cheese frosting and colorful sprinkles...they shown with joy as we placed them on Christmas green plastic plates. Then after the Colts amazing football game...we crossed the street and handed cookies to the neighbors.

The conversations were short and pleasant...but the smiles that came across their face was tender. It wasn't some amazing act of kindness. It was just a simple gift that said...we were thinking of you.

But I think the true blessing and energy was for me. I did something intentional for someone else who never expected it and got to simply enjoy the process.

Simple Smile

When I was a child. I used to be fascinated with figure skating. I don't remember ever being vocal about it. If I was flipping through channels and saw a show on...I would constantly come back to the performance.

Secretly, I wished I could do some of those spins. I was particularly fascinated with the up beat routines. I wanted to be that beautiful or lively. I wanted to feel the power of a twist or the flip.
Since I couldn't do that, I always wanted to be in the crowd watching the show. I wondered how much cooler it would be to be there and actually see them.

The funny thing is I never told anyone. I am sure my parents saw that I enjoyed it but that it was one of those personal dreams that I just kept and never thought could or would ever be realized.

Well, the other day I was sitting in my living room with my roommate. I came across a figure skating show. For the first time ever, I told her my secret childhood dream. I sort of laughed about it as I told her.

Well, this roommate travels 4 days out of the week and is currently in D.C. for a project. For this week she had to work over the weekend and asked if I wanted to come out and hang out. I get a free airflight and hotel room (paid by miles and her company) and I got to see some friends. Sounded good to me. So...off we went.

After it was all arranged she informed me that I was getting an early Christmas present. It turned out she was taking me to a figure skating show. I was so excited. I couldn't believe she first of all was actually listening to me when I admitted my secret dream and second that she logged it away in her head as a potential gift.

I was excited but figured it was just a low priced show. I didn't think there were going to be any big wig skaters.

I walk into the Verizon Center in D.C. and the ring is beautifully decorated with these white diamond shaped boxes...colors shining through them in a kaleidoscope manner. The next thing I know they are announcing that this is being recorded for a TV show to be aired on Thanksgiving day. Not only that but ALL the big professional skaters are here. Scott Hamilton, Kristi Yamaguchi, Nancy Kerrigan.

I got all choked up. Not because the event was all that special or spectacular. Although, I did love it. I got choked up because a dream I never thought would ever happen came true. I am usually a person who dreams of something and then makes it happen. But for some reason, this was left on my shelf of childhood silly dreams never to be taken down and made happen. I could have easily made it happen but never did. But tonight, it came true.

Not only was I watching a Figure Skating performance. I was watching a Televised performance. The very shows I would sit in front of and secretly wish I could be there for...I was getting to actually be there.

It was an enchanting evening...I loved every moment. And it is in these moments that I feel the love of both my friend and God. I don't usually over spiritualize things but I felt the simple heavenly smile that said I pulled this all together simply because I enjoy you. Not because you did anything to deserve it. I knew your childhood dream and I made it happen. I wanted to see your soul leap with a simple joy of being seen and celebrated.

Sick Thoughts

Last night, I was drinking my regular cup of tea when I noticed this roughness in my throat. That twinge of discomfort that usually signals a cold coming on.

Throughout the night, I kept waking up wanting to wash down whatever was rough and to blow out my nose all the liquid that was building up.

Today, I have found that my head is feeling like a knife is logged through my temporal and sticking out both sides.

I have already had my seasonal sickness in September. What in the world has gotten into my body.

The problem with being sick is that I have no motivation to work. It is hard to focus. So, I crawl into bed and try to sleep. My problem is that I can't sleep...so I think.

I think about weird things...the last Dexter movie...the sounds in the house that make me think someone is in the house...

I think about busy things...I have so much to do...heck, I even called the garage door guys bc the remote needs to be fixed (why did I do that when I am sick).

I think about deep things...the problem with my deep things is that I feel like I am thinking and like I am NOT thinking at the same time. I think about the fact that we are all so selfish...I think often of myself. What does it mean to extend Grace to others. I have often been told it means to bend over and love those who do wrong to us. Love being that we put up with it. The agitated words that tear me down and make me angry. Just love the person in response. I am beginning to wonder what does it mean to love someone but not to say I will stand here and let you abuse me. You may use all the Christian words but you are still abusing me. I love you but I will not respond to the abuse or remain in its path. How does one do that?

I think about who God is...what do I believe. I get bored with all the same old stories. Same old responses. Sometimes I wonder if I even believe in Him. I feel caught in a conundrum of things that make sense and things that just don't. I know I get the responses of humans mixed with the responses of God and I don't know how to separate.

But I am sick...and my thoughts just ramble.