Changes

I was nervous to move. I cried often as I said good bye to something I loved. I truly sat in two emotions at the same time. Is that possible? They say not but it sure felt like it. Excitement for something new...sadness for something past.

I moved on June 25. So far I have loved it!!

There are many little shops to sit and eat or drink while reading a book. There is a bike trail that extends way north to downtown Indy that runs right through broad ripple. My office is a 15 minute walk (at my slow leisurely pace). The house has these great mature trees and I am so a forest girl. The backyard is/will be beautiful. It is a little garden. I love to sit there and read a book or meditate. Honestly, I feel like I am in a little European city where I get to walk to everything and sit in cafes.

Get this...friends actually just stop by. They are walking dogs or just out and decide to stop by because they live so close. And the neighbors actually talk to us.

The pace suits me. The environment suits me. Funny...for years I didn't want to come down to Broad Ripple because everyone else was doing it...I wanted to be me. The truth is I probably would not have enjoyed it the way I do now. The journey of life lets you appreciate things much differently at different stages of life.

Even with this, it still doesn't feel like home...I feel like I am on a great vacation. Hopefully 5 years from now I will stink'n love this vacation.

Just Presense

I spent the evening with a rather beautiful friend. I find her to be one of the most unique people in my life. She clearly claims to be an introvert and quickly becomes overwhelmed by the commotion of too many people. Particularly those who are very imposing or seem to take over a room. At first, it seemed to me that she would run away from those situations. Too many people...too intense of a moment and she seemed to be gone. And they weren't hard moments of life but moments where it seemed that people were fighting for attention...and everyone was getting lost in it. At first I did not understand, I figured I am an extrovert and she was an introvert and that was one of those weird things introverts do. Yet, as I have come to know her and just allowed her to be...I have found that I deeply respect this tendency. She has never mentioned this but I see it as a way that she is standing up for herself. She is ok with who she is and she isn't going to fight for the attention. She won't give in to the pressure to be something she isn't. So rather than fight it she simply steps away. I never feel judgment on anyone else. Actually, I sometimes think she thinks she isn't strong enough...judging herself as having the problem but I think she is stronger than most. That she knows herself and takes the steps to protect who she is. Never judging and yet still loving.

She is full of love. She is constantly wanting to sit with people and listen. Actually, she is completely comfortable in silence. At least that has been my experience with her...we don't need to talk. We can just sit and a few words here and there but silence. I find it comfortable. I find it strong...observant. That is actually what I noticed most about tonight. How comfortable it was to just be with her. No demands...no judgments...no constant sound...just presense. I realized that she creates a large capacity for people in her life. That she creates space to just be with them. Not to analyze them or change them. Not to have them feed her but rather to just be and to love them. I find it beautiful...refreshing...and stunningly strong.

I would do well to learn from her.

Simplicity

I find myself reading a lot of books lately that make me yearn for certain aspects of life. I wonder if that is part of the drawl of literature. The ability to get lost in the words, in someone else view of the world. The way you get to see the things that we normally do in a different light. To see the mundane as something beautiful. Or the ability to be introduced to lifestyles that are beyond our ability to attain...or our want to attain them. And yet we are drawn in until we feel like we are actually living them.

I read the blogs of so many people...or at least a few...I love the way they use words to challenge your mind...or to tell the story of their life. I love it even more when people are raw...telling the stories and the emotions as they are. It helps me realize I am not so far off from this human state of simply being human.

Anyway, the two books I have been reading. Well, really I have finished one and I am on to the other one. The finished book is called "A cloister walk". It is about a protestant married woman who has decided to join a monastery for two 7 month stints. I have read books by Thomas Merton before. I find the intention behind the rituals of the monastery and catholic church to be enthralling and beautiful. I know that the only reason I see that is because I have not had to be raised in the inconsistencies and messiness of how people deface the true intentions. Protestantism probably has many beautiful things too but I have interpreted them so in my flaws so horribly they do not hold the beauty much anymore. Such is life. They are only meant to draw us towards something else so if they no longer work than they no longer work...find something that does draw me. Anyway, I love reading about her journey. Her love of the expression of words in the liturgy. Of the reading of the psalms. It has made me want to read the psalms and I have found I read them much more differently. They don't frustrate me as much. I can laugh at the absurdity of some of them and relax in the beauty of others realizing we all go through moments like this. It is an expression. And in the expression, I can find a bit of me. I can find the enjoyment of God without the judgment of others. Yet what draws me most about the stories is the simplicity...the withdrawal from the complication of the want for so many things. The desire to conquer. And find that in the simplicity...in the stillness...peace and love can be found.

The second book is called the "Elegance of the Hedgehog". This is a translation from French. About a concierge who is brilliant and yet intentionally makes herself look like the typical unintelligent concierge..ugly, blending into the background. Until a Japanese individual moves in and sees her. He is not trying to put on a show. He is not trying to be someone he is not. His apartment is decorated simply. He operates with simplicity and yet intentionally sees people. In it he sees her. I haven't finished the book...I don't know what he will drawl out. How his ability to see her will change her. However, I am hooked. I want to live simply. To not need so much but what I have to be of beauty. I want to have enough space in my life and my soul to see others.

I have realized through my move that I hate clutter. I am almost consumed by the wanting it to be clutter free. I had a friend mention that it might be because it is my way of expressing control in my life. However, after thought. I think it is because I do not feel at peace inside. I feel like I am internally a mess. I so want to be a simple creature. Without the need for much and the capacity to love and invite many. So, I transpose that to my surroundings and want the "stuff" gone. I know that I will not find much of the internal peace until I am ok with me...I do not know how to do that. Yet, maybe in the simplicity of life. In the rituals of quiet times and silence. I will hear and believe the voice that says I am worth it and I am loved. Yes, I might be messy...but it is ok. I am worth it. No need for me to prove myself. I can just be and love the life I was given.