Another Entry

The past few days I have been working with Bob and the African staff to work through a number of personnel policies that effect finances. It has been good but it is very hard. I am so emotionally and mentally exhausted by the end. Reaching clarification on important issues when you are dealing with cultural dynamics is extremely exhaustive. I have worked hard to make sure that I am honoring them as a people and following the laws of their land no matter how absurb the laws seem to me. I want to be sure that they are the ones owning this decision. That they understand all the consequences of the decisions that we are making and that together we find a way to finance it.

The African chief of personnel told me that I do not understand the great impact I am making by going about this the way I am. That the way I am choosing to handle this will provide so much peace in the hearts of the men who currently are very upset with the way things have been handled to date. They are not used to the way I have chosen to treat them. It almost brought tears to my eyes because it has been very tiresome to work this way.

Each day we eat lunch with various Africans. The lunch has been so different each day. The first day was the management and one of the leaders has been to America. I asked him what he thought was the oddest about America. He said he visited a cemetary just for dogs. Oh man, they had so much fun with that one. To them dogs are good for hunting, guarding, and eating. Valuing a dog so much that you treat it as a child is so foreign for them.

The second day, it was very pleasant the men I ate with asked me deep questions like why does America use vegetables for oil for the gas and how does the value of the dollar go up or down. I gave my ideas but really I have no clue. I really like my time with them.

Today, it was much different. The guys that came in were hugely cynical about why they were eating with us. They didn't understand it and did not trust us. They did not ask one question of me and I just asked questions of them. One guy asked another guy why are they asking all these questions...rather pissed off. Later the same guy said that the meal we provided was weak and not worth it. He said we should have told that woman (meaning the cook) to make gozo. I was aghast. I didn't let it on nor did I tell him that I hate gozo and specifically asked her not to make it. The only briefly made eye contact with me once. I was quite frustrated with their response. However, I tried to realize that God is rather fond of them and I do not know their story. They are hurt and responding from that hurt...no matter if I caused it or not.

All in all, the days have been very productive and hard....however, the nights they are overwhelmingly hard. I feel so lonely. I struggle because I believe that God will take something away from me that I love...that fear overwhelms me in this place where nothing is familar and I am so far away from all those I love. I have had very few nights where I have not struggled deeply through this. Because of the depth of exhaustion from the work all day long and the emotional tear I put myself through at night...this trip as so far been the hardest yet. I pray that it will get better...I have two more weeks left. I want to feel God's love and delight and not because I do a good job here.