Lately, I have felt overwhelmed by frustrations I am having. At times it has swelled to the point pure anger. I hate it. At those moments, I feel like I am out of control. I know that I am making rash and probably stupid decisions because I am lashing out. Most of those around me would probably not say I have anger management issues because I bottle it up. I try really hard to not to make decisions based out of my anger. However, I absolutely hate it. I hate being frustrated and anger. I feel like it consumes me.
I have been trying hard to take moments to focus the energy other places. It has been difficult as I work alone so I get caught in my thoughts with no one to bounce them off of. I focus on a new business, dancing lessons, and trying to connect with friends. But still there are many moments I am left alone.
I find myself sitting and meditating but saying over and over again that I forgive him (or her) until I am able to release it enough to focus on sitting with God. I find it so interesting how somethings are so hard to release and other things are easy as pie. For me the easy things, are the ones everyone else would struggle with greatly like a betrayal. I think though that God has forgiven me so much. He has forgiven these people to. There is nothing done that God has not forgiven and he still loves these people that I think are so awful. If I choose to love God, does that also mean that I should find a way to forgive and love these people.
Here is the but wait....What does it mean to be ok with all my feelings? To forgive someone but to still be mad and hurt. Can I hold both? Can I be ok with feeling crazy and out of control while at the same time treating someone with love and forgiveness? Sometimes I talk myself into the fact that it is wrong to be angry...because in my anger I lose control...but I am not so sure that is true. If I really focus on it, my anger is actually hurt. I rarely get angry for others...not sure if that is good or bad. Maybe my real issue is I don't know how to be ok with being hurt.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
1 comment:
I think you and I are in similar places right now. I myself have no idea what to do with my emotions nor do I know how that it works to forgive but still be hurt. There are a few people right now that I'm thinking about that I don't know how to forgive right now.
I know for me that I have felt as if I am going crazy in dealing with the hurt, anger, and depression. But the more I think about it the more it makes sense to react that way. I mean the world itself is crazy. If we felt OK with that wouldn't that make us crazy?
Post a Comment