Wrong side of the bed

So, I think I woke up on the wrong side of the bed today. I felt groachy (Sp?) all day. My dreams consisted of dreaming about budgets and I didn't want to dream about that even though I was asleep. So, I woke myself up to stop them. Then I started to think someone was trying to get into the complex or walking on my roof. The likelihood of someone walking on my roof or getting into the complex without disrupting all of the dogs or guards is not very high.

I have a tree with large acorns or something on them. In the middle of the night they will fall on the aliuminim roof making the loudest sound. It startles me a good one sometimes.

Today, I heard the first reports from the program managers on what they think they can do with the budgets. I was very impressed. The first one did not go the smoothiest but I think our process of extracting the information was not very good. We profected on the second one. Overall, the guys did a great job of presenting their visions and finding a way to fit everything they wanted to do within a budget. I will do more analysis tonight or tomorrow but I was glad they took what I said and went with it. The orphan care program is funded well by individual donors who sponsor orphans so their budget was good. The agriculture is funding is a little less stable and less money is available so the budget was a lot tighter and harder to figure out. I still have a lot of work to do as I pull them all together but it was a great first report.

Tonight, I sat with Bob and we chatted about the book the Shack and where we are in life. I told him about a recent house church experience where the guys were talking about wanting to make an impact...to leave a wake. I hate when people push for that. The reason is because no matter how hard I try I always fail in someway. Something doesn't work or isn't the best it could be. Someone always could do it better. So, if I wrap myself up in what impact I make...if my significance is there than I am just setting myself up for failure. Rather I want to be in the wind...the wind of where God is leading. To just be with him. To be surrounded in what he is doing and enjoy the relationship. Than my significance is not wrapped up in what I do but rather just in being with him or just because he says I am significant. That is one of those things that I have been struggling with for years. Anyway, the Shack talks a little about the wind and the Holy Spirit as the wind...which is how we got to that subject. Bob is a cool guy. He is way intense and it is exhausting sometimes but the depth and sincerity with which he operates I would want to have in my court any day. He doesn't do much half way. He is filled with an intense love for people. He isn't into the "christian" answers....He is into Jesus. I am often inspired by him. Although, he loves all these very intense movies that inspire about justice and fighting for noble causes....or basically that inspire him. I have no idea how he can watch so many of them. I start to get depressed after a while. He has been a great encouragement to me that I am going in the right direction and that I am doing so much more than just writing a budget. I really like that I am fighting for justice and the Africans in the cloak of finances.

Small Successes Big Encouragement

I don't remember what I have shared in other blogs and I am too tired to go back and figure out if I have shared this...so bear with me.

My last trip to Africa was all about teach my accountants how to document all the transactions, properly record them in quickbooks, and to reconcile between the safe and quickbooks. Up to that point, they had been off hundreds of dollars at times. I don't think it was because of dishonesty but more from lack of attention and knowledge. So, I created a process, explained it, demonstrated, had them practice it, and wrote it all down. I then told them if they did it right they would get a bonus.

One of the things I am doing on this trip is evaluating how well they accomplished the task from my last visit. I am glad to report that both locations were only off 30 francs which is less about 7 cents. I can not tell you how huge an improvement that is. I am so proud. One of the locations documented all of the transactions almost perfectly. I am blown away. The other location has a little work to go on documentation but still this is very encouraging.

To see that your hard work is paying off. To know that instruction given has been taken to heart and followed. I love it.

Tuesday, I will start reviewing the budgets each program has drafted. I will be doing that until I leave. I am excited to see what these guys have done with the instruction. I have been amazed that at times when you give them some freedom and permission they can get amazing amount of things done in a short period of time. I will let you know how it goes...hopefully, it will be encouraging. Even if not, this is a necessary learning step and is good for the guys to grow and learn through. In the end, it will pay off. There might be bumps in the road but it will pay off.

Tackling the Tough Stuff

So, for the past few days I have been working with the top African management to work through issues of salary, health care, travel fees, relocation costs, and the list goes on. All of this must be talked through to help set the budget for this upcoming year. The conversations have been really good and so exhausting. It is hard to break through your own cultural paradigms to understand the culture of another. In Africa, they have a base pay set by the African government and that is the only thing taxes. From there you have Primes, that are given for responsiblity, production, risk, and the list goes on. Why we can't just set a salary and be done with it begins to overwhelm me. Also, when the list keeps growing you start to think man you guys are milking me. To shut yourself up and acknowledge that we are all allowed to be different that is the freedom God gave us and yet we are still worthy not matter our operation...well, lets just say it isn't an easy thing.

In one of the conversations, we talked about travel and food for travel. I was asking them to set a rate. They said that they wanted different rates for different levels. I was not up for that. When a worker is on ICDI time, I want to value everyone the same. We are all equal. Yes we value a function better than another but the individual is just as valuable and I want to be able to feed them equally. They came back with a clear...uh, no everyone is not equal. That is not the way it works here. There are people who are worth more. I can't put my mind around it....but this was honest. This was truth for them. At the end of this conversation, my co-worker Bob (from the states) broke down in tears. He was overwhelmed by the dialogue. The fact that we were able to engage in an open honest conversation about our views. To see that we were different and to not judge it. He has been a missionary for years and has rarely heard the dialogue we have engaged in for the last few days. To hear the mutual respect even though the cultures were different. Oh, I know he can explain it better...needless to say. His overall comment is what we have done this past week is powerful.

Personnally, I have been doing better. I have read the book the shack and realized a good amount about the lies that I am believing. It is funny how various books while I am out here have helped me. Last trip it was Eat, Pray, Love....and dang I really like that book. This time the shack. It is quite releasing to realize God's love. I have been taught a lot of things by the "church" that really aren't the truth. And I know they did not intentionally do it but I still took it all the same. I believed there is a list of right and wrongs and even though I am saved by grace God himself will punish me if I do something too high in the wrong list. I believed that if I loved something too much God would take it away so that I would love him more. Those are just quick thoughts and I probably should do the explanation much more justice but oh well...there is a quick thought.

Still, I am ready to be home. I would like to have a more comfortable bed. I really would like to not constantly have some bug crawling on me. I had a little lizard crawl up the inside of my leg pants at a meeting. It freaked me out nice and good. I would love to have my friends around to chat and hang out with. I really miss the comfortableness of those I love and enjoy.

Another Entry

The past few days I have been working with Bob and the African staff to work through a number of personnel policies that effect finances. It has been good but it is very hard. I am so emotionally and mentally exhausted by the end. Reaching clarification on important issues when you are dealing with cultural dynamics is extremely exhaustive. I have worked hard to make sure that I am honoring them as a people and following the laws of their land no matter how absurb the laws seem to me. I want to be sure that they are the ones owning this decision. That they understand all the consequences of the decisions that we are making and that together we find a way to finance it.

The African chief of personnel told me that I do not understand the great impact I am making by going about this the way I am. That the way I am choosing to handle this will provide so much peace in the hearts of the men who currently are very upset with the way things have been handled to date. They are not used to the way I have chosen to treat them. It almost brought tears to my eyes because it has been very tiresome to work this way.

Each day we eat lunch with various Africans. The lunch has been so different each day. The first day was the management and one of the leaders has been to America. I asked him what he thought was the oddest about America. He said he visited a cemetary just for dogs. Oh man, they had so much fun with that one. To them dogs are good for hunting, guarding, and eating. Valuing a dog so much that you treat it as a child is so foreign for them.

The second day, it was very pleasant the men I ate with asked me deep questions like why does America use vegetables for oil for the gas and how does the value of the dollar go up or down. I gave my ideas but really I have no clue. I really like my time with them.

Today, it was much different. The guys that came in were hugely cynical about why they were eating with us. They didn't understand it and did not trust us. They did not ask one question of me and I just asked questions of them. One guy asked another guy why are they asking all these questions...rather pissed off. Later the same guy said that the meal we provided was weak and not worth it. He said we should have told that woman (meaning the cook) to make gozo. I was aghast. I didn't let it on nor did I tell him that I hate gozo and specifically asked her not to make it. The only briefly made eye contact with me once. I was quite frustrated with their response. However, I tried to realize that God is rather fond of them and I do not know their story. They are hurt and responding from that hurt...no matter if I caused it or not.

All in all, the days have been very productive and hard....however, the nights they are overwhelmingly hard. I feel so lonely. I struggle because I believe that God will take something away from me that I love...that fear overwhelms me in this place where nothing is familar and I am so far away from all those I love. I have had very few nights where I have not struggled deeply through this. Because of the depth of exhaustion from the work all day long and the emotional tear I put myself through at night...this trip as so far been the hardest yet. I pray that it will get better...I have two more weeks left. I want to feel God's love and delight and not because I do a good job here.

Oblivious Realizations

I have a few friends that have always stated that their hearts beat for racial justice. I usually respond (at least internally) way to go friend you kick butt. I usually want to operate with proper treatment of human beings but fighting for justice for people is not really something that warms my heart. So, I encourage it from a distance and I am glad that someone has done it. I think it is admirable all around…just not me.

My trip out here has been about empowering Central Africans through accounting. I want to allow them the honor and authority to control the money for their program. I have received comments from white people (both direct and indirectly) that you really shouldn’t be letting the Africans control the money. They can’t be trusted and that is a dangerous thing. Recently the African leadership has told Bob my co-worker (the Chief Operations guy for Africa) that the interactions they are having with Bob is highly unexpected. They are used to working for white people (and Christian organizations) but it is always “you will do this” or “you will do that”. They hardly ever ask for a dialogue. They hardly ever want their input or opinion. Everything we are trying to do is through them…so we are trying to present the ideas or the issues and have the Africans work with us to come to a conclusion. This really is a foreign way for them to be treated. I have begun to realize that honestly my job isn’t accounting. It is to fight for these men and woman to be trusted and to develop into who they are meant to be in the face of old white mentality that they can not. I am fighting for justice in the cloak of accounting. I am really not about getting clean water to the villages, or AIDS training to the people, or care for orphans. I am about fighting to encourage these guys that they can make a difference by themselves. They don’t need the white man’s help up…who would have thought I would be in the justice game.

Around the same time I was realizing this, I asked Bob if these guys struggled with me being a woman. He said absolutely. I then put examples out there of is the reason a few of the men do not respond to my emails until I badger them and have you badger them because I am a woman. He said absolutely. Ironic, I am fighting to treat them like humans and not a race…and some still see me as a sex and not a person. I know I have probably dealt with sexism in jobs before but I am so oblivious I never noticed and keep plowing ahead. I don’t know how I will operate as I actually know what is going on….try to still be oblivious and state the facts I guess.

Story Time

The plane is backed. Every seat fillled. The baggage storage area in the overhead compartments is backed. Each African attempts to bring on the largest possible carry-ons and I a swear they try to take on three to four bags. The smell of African BO is starting to take over. I am reading a book trying to ignore the chaos around me as people are trying to get situated for the long flight. The next thing I know a loud french-spoken debate (to call it nicely) begins to arupt between one of the passengers and the flight attendant. It never falls every trip I go on this happens. I can not speak french but it is fairly obvious. There is no room to store their luggage. It needs to be put under the plane or maybe in an overhead compartment far from their seat. The African will not allow their luggage to be put anywhere out of their sight and man are they getting angry. This loudly spoken debate lasts for about 10 minutes before the African finally consistents quite frustrated to move her two extremely large bags to where the flight attendant has requested. I really don't get it. I have been amazed for a people that on the large part have a lot less money than I do they carry the largest pieces of luggage I have ever seen.

We finally are all seated. The plane is moving towards the run way and the flight attendant is going through the steps for safety. They get to the part about in the case of emergency find the closest exit. She then proceeds to clearly state twice that in the case of emergency DO NOT TAKE your luggage with you. I just had to smile. I may have never paid attention to that in the past but I don't remember that line as part of the normal safety speel. Of course, I can just imagine it the plane has crashed we are all trying to get out of the plane but half the people MUST get their luggage. Of course they would preface it....it probably is only funny to me but I sure got a chuckle out of that mental picture considering the debate I had just witnessed.

Once we got to Bangui, there was a huge fog. We tryed to land twice, circled around the airport for about an hour, and then finally decided to go to Chad to refuel....needless to say we were in the plane 4 hours longer than usual. By that time, the smell was really beginning to overwhelm me. Ah well, I finished my book.

Yesterday and today have been good days. I meet with the head African representative for ICDI to explain what I was doing on my trip. Overall, his response was good and he asked intelligent questions. This guy is not really in charge of the operations but more works the government issues but as far as this culture is concerned we must pay him the respect of informing him of what is going on. Today, I meet with all of the program managers to explain the budget process. They seemed to understand it and are deeply grateful. In this culture (as with most), having the ability to control the money signifies power and respect. Giving them the budget figure that we have for the program they are responsbile for and then telling them to decide how to use it to accomplish their mission is a sign to them of our confidence in them. I think it will do a lot to continue pushing and developing our vision to empower the Central Africans to run this operation on their own. In addition, it will help in control the expenses and giving us leverage to discuss potential ideas and direction of the organization. I have a feeling that I will probably have more problems with the US staff on keeping to a budget than with the African staff but we will see.

Tomorrow at 6 am (seriously no one should be moving at that time) we will be leaving for Berberati. Oh, I hate this trip. 12 hours on a rollercoaster. I have some car sick stuff...we will see if it works but I will have enough room that I can actually stretch out and sleep (in between all the bumps).

Arrived

Just a quick note...after two attempts to land in Bangui with fog. A reroute to CHAD for more fuel. I finally arrived in Africa 4 hours later than expected but still arrived...yeah. I have already had one meeting and it went super well. I am now off to sleep and will tell more stories later.

Exhaustion

So, my travel plans consist of leaving my house at 12:45 pm on Tuesday, departing indianapolis for detroit at 2:49, arriving detroit at 4:01, leaving detroit at 9:30, arriving in Paris at 10:30 am on Wednesday, going to a hotel to sleep for a few hours, leaving Paris at 11:30 pm, and arriving in Bangui, Africa at 4:55 am on Thursday. Needless to say I am exhausted.

In Indy, I bought one of the fancy tempur-pedic pillows. It came in handy b/c the trip to Paris I got two seats and was able to sort of lay across them and get better sleep. The pillow was fantastic. I have to also say that the detroit airport was one of the best airports I have ever been in...clean, fancy, beautiful....only problem was it was along layover.

Now, down to the honesty part. Every time I take one of these trips I really struggle emotionally. I am excited by it but usually overwhelmed and really wanting to go home. I have learned a bit of why and they are all lies but I hate it. On the last trip, I had my melt down a week before I left. So, I think I was able to sort through everything (or a good part of it). This time it didn't really hit until the night before I left. Which means this entire "traveling" trip I have been so raw. I hate it because it isn't me...I want adventure. I love it. Yet, each time I go I get ripped apart. I have been praying a lot more than usual (should I admit such a thing). I feel like I can't breathe and that I have to beg God to just hold my head above the water. Oh how I hate it because logically it doesn't make any sense.

It makes me wonder is it courageous that I go inspite of myself or if I am too afraid to admit failure that keeps me going.

The love of adventure admist the butterflies

Well, it is September and it has been a while since I posted anything. My tendency is to only blog while traveling. I quess there is something therapeutic about it.

I leave tomorrow for another 3 week adventure in Africa. This time through I will be talking to the Africans about how to create and operate from holistic budgets. We all love those conversations. Add the dynamic that budgets really do not mean the same thing to Africans as they do to me...and we might have an interesting task ahead of us.

Largely, I have done well with this trip. I have tried really hard to see that my job is rather cool and to be passionate about the overall mission to empower the Africans. You tend to lose the focus when you are in the middle of the tasks and the emotional rollercoasters...or at least that is me. I have begun to get excited and to see this as truly an adventure. It is only three weeks and it will be fun. The last trip wasn't bad and this time I have a co-worker with me so it should be better. I have taken extensive moments to just sit and mediatate (some say it is prayer but really I was just trying to be still). Overall, I am going into this well. Until yesterday, my boss asked me if I was ready. A very nice caring question and the butterflies started to flutter around my stomach. I actually felt a sensation to throw up. It comes and goes but as I get closer they feel stronger. Maybe it has a tinge of excitement in it.

I feel sort of weird as I am packing. I relate it to a feeling that tomorrow the world is going to end and everything is surreal. Everyone is moving but it feels as if it is passing by towards oblivion and I am the only one who knows it. Odd. Yes, I know. In reality, I don't want to go on the 2 day trip to Africa. I have to be awake and ready to roll when I get there at 6 am on Thursday morning. I wish transporters like the ones in Starship enterprise actually existed. So, it just feels odd knowing that everything will change for a brief 3 weeks.

I am also looking forward to getting to sit next to a nice pool, read a book, and enjoy the warmth. I am looking forward to the routine of meeting with people and then relaxing that I have learned I must insist happens during my visits. I am looking forward to seeing people that I haven't seen in a while. Still the butterflies stir...

I am also nervous because I think I fear that something bad will happen....nothing has yet. My co-workers wouldn't put me in harms way but still...the plane could crash...the bandits could come. Yet, in reality any of that could happen hear in the states. Maybe I am just learning to face a reality I have just chosen to ignore most of my life....race ahead in the simplity of youth. I know God has a lot to say about this and I acknowledge it all with my head. However, my heart really is trying to catch up.

So, I sit. I try to calm my heart and mind. To simply reach out a hand and ask God to hold it (and yes I do literally imagine that sometimes). To acknowledge that I am just riding on Gods breathe as he changes the world. To realize that I have people who love me and they will still be here when I come home. To try to live in the now and love the adventure I am in.