I have been in Berberati for three days now. I find the property quite beautiful and tranquil. I get the small house that used to be a small school house but was converted to a studio apartment. Which means one large room and a bathroom. The kitchen is actually a small room on the porch. I will have to remember to take a picture. It is actually quite comfortable. The property has a ton of flowers and feels very retreat like. At least the guest house side.
The garage and will drilling operation is on the other side of the road in another fenced in compound. The fence for both sides is basically sheets of metal (aluminum I think). The garage side is hustling with workers, dirty like all garages, and hot. I honestly feel like there is a ten degree difference just by crossing the road.
Even though Berberati is a very beautiful place, I am having a bit more of a hard time here. I am not exactly sure why except I feel like I am running in place with what I am trying to accomplish with the Africans. We are getting there but nothing has reconciled perfectly yet and I even started us in balance yesterday. We then went to reconcile today and it was out again. If everything is done as the process describes, this should not happen. We were out about 10 dollars today...doesn't seem like much but as an accountant it should be zero. Then the communciation feels like it is getting worse. Probably b/c of all the activity. I think what ultimately exhausts me is that I am not taking regular time to just detox. In Bangui, I went to the pool every day at 3 than came back ate and worked some more. Here I work until 5 ... go home and eat then work a little more...then I have started the Heros TV series. I am not sure TV actually refreshes me but I am addicted.
I feel like I get frustrated too easily and snap...I am sure the guys notice and I hate it.
I have not embarked out into the local village. At the end of the day, I feel exhausted. I just don't have energy. Yet, I deeply wish that I could just hang out with some of the local people and not be overwhelmed by the experience. To just enjoy their presence and getting to know different people...but every time I go for a walk a bunch of kids are following me. I wish I could handle that better.
Tomorrow is the African labor day...so the African's have the day off which means I get to detox a little. I am looking forward to this day. It means I work on Saturday and then leave for Bangui on Sunday but I don't care...I need the day.
Overall, this trip has not been as bad as I thought it would be. I don't feel overwhelmingly lonely all the time. I have my moments but for the most part it has been a time to go at a different pace...to stretch myself. I know this is good.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Saturday, April 26, 2008
8 hour rollercoaster
As I was driving on the road from Bangui to Berberati, the mental image that kept popping up in my head was rollercoaster. I felt like I was on one.
The trip is 10 hours long and two hours are spent on paved roads or on breaks. So, 8 hours of the trip are on dirt roads with good sizes pot holes everywhere. It was a constant bump, dodge, sway, and swerve adventure. Truly, I felt like I was on the longest rollercoaster ride.
I actually did not get sick. I sat in the front, had the air conditioning blowing, and was given lost of calm your stomach medicine from other people in Bangui. I was so grateful. Still, I have arrived exhausted and sore. That is one long trip.
I was reminded as I rode of the thoughts I had last time I was here. It is so amazing the drastic difference between my world and these people's world. Life here is not easy. These people have to work very hard to get food or housing. It is just amazing. I don't even know how to formulate the thoughts related to it. I find that I want to put a wall of protection around my heart as I view the hardships. Survival tactics. Yet, I also don't want to become detached. I have no idea how to handle all of the emotions. Hurt for these people, longing to be home, tired, overwhelmed, relaxed, enjoyment, adventure, frustration, and the list goes on. All while on an 8 hour rollercoaster ride.
The trip is 10 hours long and two hours are spent on paved roads or on breaks. So, 8 hours of the trip are on dirt roads with good sizes pot holes everywhere. It was a constant bump, dodge, sway, and swerve adventure. Truly, I felt like I was on the longest rollercoaster ride.
I actually did not get sick. I sat in the front, had the air conditioning blowing, and was given lost of calm your stomach medicine from other people in Bangui. I was so grateful. Still, I have arrived exhausted and sore. That is one long trip.
I was reminded as I rode of the thoughts I had last time I was here. It is so amazing the drastic difference between my world and these people's world. Life here is not easy. These people have to work very hard to get food or housing. It is just amazing. I don't even know how to formulate the thoughts related to it. I find that I want to put a wall of protection around my heart as I view the hardships. Survival tactics. Yet, I also don't want to become detached. I have no idea how to handle all of the emotions. Hurt for these people, longing to be home, tired, overwhelmed, relaxed, enjoyment, adventure, frustration, and the list goes on. All while on an 8 hour rollercoaster ride.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Books
In my down time, which I don't really have but I take anyway. I have been reading this book called eat, pray, love. I love it. I find it so refreshing. This lady has spent a year traveling to Italy, India, and Indonesia and it is about her journey. I am in the section where she is traveling to India. She is at an Ashram and as she talks through her struggles I find myself agreeing. They are not struggles with the traveling but rather with her self. It has made me think about taking this time in Africa as a time to be a little bit more still and to stretch myself. To be quiet at times and just listen to myself.
I wonder if difficult times are really a good thing. I hate pain. I hate discomfort. Yet, I know that so much of who we are develops during hard times. Either we learn to create survival tactics such as working like a horse (is that the right phrase) or removing all emotions. Or our hearts are really awakened and we can not do anything but deal with it. When I went to India, I was a wreck the entire trip. I think I cried every day. Yet, when I came back more than a few people told me that I came back calm and with a certain amount of peace. I am hoping that this trip brings more healing as I take time to be quiet and listen. They say that God can be found in the quiet. I tend to believe them.
Tomorrow, we travel to Berberati. My time in Bangui has been very good. I have taught the accountants how to reconcile between their safe and quickbooks. I think they have got it down. I have instructed them on how to record numerous entires that were not being recorded correctly. We still need to practice this a little bit more but they are getting better. We have corrected a number of issues. So, it has been very productive. I am now going to Berberati to do the same thing. We will be traveling on a dirt road with huge pot holes for 10 hours. Yes, 10 hours. And guess who gets car sick on smooth roads in the states. You are correct...that would be me. I am dreading this trip. However, I insisted on an air conditioned car that is nicer and my dear boss has nicely produced that car. I am very appreciative. Another expat provided me with ginger pills that are supposed to sooth the stomach. Oh, I pray God is kind to me and the trip goes well. I feel a little sick today but it is probably all in my mind. Mind over stomach that is what tomorrow will be.
I wonder if difficult times are really a good thing. I hate pain. I hate discomfort. Yet, I know that so much of who we are develops during hard times. Either we learn to create survival tactics such as working like a horse (is that the right phrase) or removing all emotions. Or our hearts are really awakened and we can not do anything but deal with it. When I went to India, I was a wreck the entire trip. I think I cried every day. Yet, when I came back more than a few people told me that I came back calm and with a certain amount of peace. I am hoping that this trip brings more healing as I take time to be quiet and listen. They say that God can be found in the quiet. I tend to believe them.
Tomorrow, we travel to Berberati. My time in Bangui has been very good. I have taught the accountants how to reconcile between their safe and quickbooks. I think they have got it down. I have instructed them on how to record numerous entires that were not being recorded correctly. We still need to practice this a little bit more but they are getting better. We have corrected a number of issues. So, it has been very productive. I am now going to Berberati to do the same thing. We will be traveling on a dirt road with huge pot holes for 10 hours. Yes, 10 hours. And guess who gets car sick on smooth roads in the states. You are correct...that would be me. I am dreading this trip. However, I insisted on an air conditioned car that is nicer and my dear boss has nicely produced that car. I am very appreciative. Another expat provided me with ginger pills that are supposed to sooth the stomach. Oh, I pray God is kind to me and the trip goes well. I feel a little sick today but it is probably all in my mind. Mind over stomach that is what tomorrow will be.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Translation
Today was hot...until the time when I went to the pool. A little storm came through in the distance that broke the heat. So, the evening has been quite cool. I hope I sleep well.
I have been rather frustrated today. My translator and I are having difficulties. I don't know what is appropriate to share or not but I am not sure this translator will work out. This is not very exciting news as I will then have to struggle through communicating without anyone to help. My accountants know a little english and if I speak slow enough and use enough motions we figure it out...but it would be much simplier if I had a good translator.
The hard part with that is that it makes me feel like I am doing this alone. I have good teammates at home who I can talk to about this but I still feel alone as I engage in it.
It is probably a good thing...but I feel rather weak out here. I am reading a book where she talks about the fact that men go to war over two things...for love and for control. I feel at war with my issues of wanting control and I despirately want to have those around me that I know love me without question...but that is probably my eternal struggle.
I have been rather frustrated today. My translator and I are having difficulties. I don't know what is appropriate to share or not but I am not sure this translator will work out. This is not very exciting news as I will then have to struggle through communicating without anyone to help. My accountants know a little english and if I speak slow enough and use enough motions we figure it out...but it would be much simplier if I had a good translator.
The hard part with that is that it makes me feel like I am doing this alone. I have good teammates at home who I can talk to about this but I still feel alone as I engage in it.
It is probably a good thing...but I feel rather weak out here. I am reading a book where she talks about the fact that men go to war over two things...for love and for control. I feel at war with my issues of wanting control and I despirately want to have those around me that I know love me without question...but that is probably my eternal struggle.
Monday, April 21, 2008
Poolside Sanity
The lovely American Ambassador has this fantastic pool at his residence. He and his wife let all the American expats swim in the pool from 2 - 5:30 each day. I have come to truly believe there is healing power in water. Well, I don't really know if there is healing power but there is something about water that is quite therapeutic.
The days here are hot. I never stay in the sun for any amount of time if I can help it and I do my best to sit in front of a fan constantly. Unfortunately, everyday the electricity goes out. Usually from 6:30 to 9:00 each night...which means that lovely fan also goes out. I sit inside a room with little air movement other than that fan all day. Needless to say when the afternoon hits...I am usually quite sticky. Most likely rather foul smelling also.
I have also found myself going back and forth between I want to be home and I want to stay here. I don't mind the work but I really wish at the end of the day...I could go home. I do my best to keep busy or around people...but still I just want my bed at night and I want the drama of my friends life again.
To give me a place to rejuvienate, I have decided that every day at 2:30 or 3:00 I will go to the pool. It is simply a small walk up the street. The water is beautiful. I swim laps (having actually remembered my googles) while the older ladies swim laps doggie style without there heads ever going under the water. Ah the sweet water...it refreshes my soul. I know that sounds cheesy but truly something in me relaxes as I swim in water. Afterwards, I sit poolside and read a book. There are lovely flowers around and I am sitting in shaded area so it feels very cool.
Without this lovely pool, I think I would have fewer moments of I enjoy this place and be despirately desiring my airconditioned home and familar faces and drama. I think there is a ton of truth to the statement that it is better to take moments to recharge than to constantly be discharging.
The days here are hot. I never stay in the sun for any amount of time if I can help it and I do my best to sit in front of a fan constantly. Unfortunately, everyday the electricity goes out. Usually from 6:30 to 9:00 each night...which means that lovely fan also goes out. I sit inside a room with little air movement other than that fan all day. Needless to say when the afternoon hits...I am usually quite sticky. Most likely rather foul smelling also.
I have also found myself going back and forth between I want to be home and I want to stay here. I don't mind the work but I really wish at the end of the day...I could go home. I do my best to keep busy or around people...but still I just want my bed at night and I want the drama of my friends life again.
To give me a place to rejuvienate, I have decided that every day at 2:30 or 3:00 I will go to the pool. It is simply a small walk up the street. The water is beautiful. I swim laps (having actually remembered my googles) while the older ladies swim laps doggie style without there heads ever going under the water. Ah the sweet water...it refreshes my soul. I know that sounds cheesy but truly something in me relaxes as I swim in water. Afterwards, I sit poolside and read a book. There are lovely flowers around and I am sitting in shaded area so it feels very cool.
Without this lovely pool, I think I would have fewer moments of I enjoy this place and be despirately desiring my airconditioned home and familar faces and drama. I think there is a ton of truth to the statement that it is better to take moments to recharge than to constantly be discharging.
Saturday, April 19, 2008
Ridiculous
To continue the saga of my passport....
Thursday, I emailed a friend and asked her to go to my house and dig through a ton of paper work to find the copy of my passport and visa that I had made. Of course, I didn't leave it in a handy location so I am sure she had to dig for a while. I have amazing friends!!!!!
On friday, I woke up and went to the embassy to start the process for getting a new passport. I had to fill out 4 forms...one of which was to file a lost or stolen report and another to get a new one. We then had to get a police report stating that it was lost. This task alone could have been a huge hassle but the guy at the embassy called a friend and it went super smooth. I had to find a photo booth which is basically a stand on the side of the road where I sit on a stool and a man holds a white sheet up behind me. They then provided a nicely done passport size photo....pretty impressive for a stand on the side of the road. Of course, we asked for only four and they produced 6 which we then had to pay for. We had to truck back to the office to get $100 to pay for the new passport. This whole process took about 4 hours of our time on Friday morning. I was very appreciative of Heidi, a Bangui missionary, who went with me through this entire process to help if there were any problems.
Than this morning, I woke up and finally had some time to unpack my stuff. As I was doing so, I noticed an odd looking paper under my night stand. I bent down to see what it was and found it to be my plane ticket and right behind it was my passport. Oh my gosh...I am the biggest idiot. I could have sworn that I had dropped it at the airport...but I was totally wrong. What a fool?
To get the passport, they had to send the paperwork to Yaounde Cameroon via DHL. It isn't supposed to arrive until Monday morning. The embassy is closed on the weekend so I will have to call on Monday morning and see what they want me to do. I just need to make sure they have not cancelled my passport in the system because if they have than the passport is useless and I will need a new one anyway.
I swear...I bring drama whereever I go. I am very grateful for friends who are willing to walk through my stupidity. They are truly the best and I am so sorry for all the hassle I have caused....ugh all around!!!
Tomorrow is Sunday...I agreed to go with Heidi to a Sango church. I am really not excited for this. It is hot, uncomfortable, long, and I don't understand a word. Hey, it will end so I can make it through. ...right? She also asked me to go to a communion later on...which in this denomination means the breaking of the bread, the love feast, and the washing of the feet. It is what is called a three part communion...I decided against that one...largely becuase the love feast is gozo and I just can not stomach that food. I will tell you more about that food later.
Thursday, I emailed a friend and asked her to go to my house and dig through a ton of paper work to find the copy of my passport and visa that I had made. Of course, I didn't leave it in a handy location so I am sure she had to dig for a while. I have amazing friends!!!!!
On friday, I woke up and went to the embassy to start the process for getting a new passport. I had to fill out 4 forms...one of which was to file a lost or stolen report and another to get a new one. We then had to get a police report stating that it was lost. This task alone could have been a huge hassle but the guy at the embassy called a friend and it went super smooth. I had to find a photo booth which is basically a stand on the side of the road where I sit on a stool and a man holds a white sheet up behind me. They then provided a nicely done passport size photo....pretty impressive for a stand on the side of the road. Of course, we asked for only four and they produced 6 which we then had to pay for. We had to truck back to the office to get $100 to pay for the new passport. This whole process took about 4 hours of our time on Friday morning. I was very appreciative of Heidi, a Bangui missionary, who went with me through this entire process to help if there were any problems.
Than this morning, I woke up and finally had some time to unpack my stuff. As I was doing so, I noticed an odd looking paper under my night stand. I bent down to see what it was and found it to be my plane ticket and right behind it was my passport. Oh my gosh...I am the biggest idiot. I could have sworn that I had dropped it at the airport...but I was totally wrong. What a fool?
To get the passport, they had to send the paperwork to Yaounde Cameroon via DHL. It isn't supposed to arrive until Monday morning. The embassy is closed on the weekend so I will have to call on Monday morning and see what they want me to do. I just need to make sure they have not cancelled my passport in the system because if they have than the passport is useless and I will need a new one anyway.
I swear...I bring drama whereever I go. I am very grateful for friends who are willing to walk through my stupidity. They are truly the best and I am so sorry for all the hassle I have caused....ugh all around!!!
Tomorrow is Sunday...I agreed to go with Heidi to a Sango church. I am really not excited for this. It is hot, uncomfortable, long, and I don't understand a word. Hey, it will end so I can make it through. ...right? She also asked me to go to a communion later on...which in this denomination means the breaking of the bread, the love feast, and the washing of the feet. It is what is called a three part communion...I decided against that one...largely becuase the love feast is gozo and I just can not stomach that food. I will tell you more about that food later.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Traveling Ding Bat
I have figured out that the only time I blog is when I travel. I think it is a sweet craving. A way for me to not feel alone and to share with those who love me with out filling their emails with pesty updates.
This is my second successful trip to Africa since I joined ICDI. I say successful because I tried to come in Feb but due to fog, snow, and technical difficulties I was delayed so long in Chicago that I missed the flight from Paris to Bangui. A flight that only happens once a week. So, this is my rescheduled trip.
Over the past few weeks, I have been relatively nervous about this trip. I have this deep seated fear of loneliness. I fear that I will be stuck in Africa all alone and deeply longing to be home with those I love. I would cry hefty tears over this the past few weeks. Then the Thursday before I left a certain amount of peace came over me. I realized that I was loved, people wanted to hear my story, they cared, and they were cheering me on. I also realized that this is only 3 weeks and I will return home. I need to enjoy this process...enjoy the moment. I still have moments of tears but they feel true and refreshing. Like it is ok to long for something else while enjoying the moment.
The trip here went smoothly. No delays...good seats. A good 7 hour sleep in Paris hotel. I had a few tears as we landed in Bangui...a feeling of I wanted to be home but that passed. Than I went through the maze of security and custom checks. Stood packed next to the belt waiting for the luggage. It was hot!!!! I had my passport in my hand b/c I knew they would ask one more time to see it before I walked out the door. I was wrong they wanted my baggage slips and they happened to be deep in my carry on. So, I put down the passport and pulled out the slips. I handed the slips to the man and was waved on so I moved on but my passport remained where I put it. Of course, I didn't realize this until 3 hours later when we went to register myself at the embassy and I couldn't find it anywhere. The African's dug through the car and went back to the airport asking around but nothing was found.
Idiot is probably the better word for this. It seems almost hysterical that my fear for this trip was being stuck here and I lose my passport. I can't get out without my passport. I was surprisingly calm. I figure I will just go to the embassy tomorrow and begin the process. I shouldn't freakout until I know I should be freaking out. Of course, my dear friend Bob came in and said that this could be a big problem. I immediately started to cry as the emotion of that overwhelmed me. I don't usually cry in front of co-workers but sweet Bob just let me cry and processed through some of my fears and pain. It helps to be real and messy and then look up to see a friend has not run out on your sloppy mess. Another missionary lady, Heidi, will go with me tomorrow to work through everything. She is friends with the ambassador and thinks we can get this all worked out.
My deep prayer is that God allow the passport of this traveling ding bat be reissued or found before the three weeks are up.
This is my second successful trip to Africa since I joined ICDI. I say successful because I tried to come in Feb but due to fog, snow, and technical difficulties I was delayed so long in Chicago that I missed the flight from Paris to Bangui. A flight that only happens once a week. So, this is my rescheduled trip.
Over the past few weeks, I have been relatively nervous about this trip. I have this deep seated fear of loneliness. I fear that I will be stuck in Africa all alone and deeply longing to be home with those I love. I would cry hefty tears over this the past few weeks. Then the Thursday before I left a certain amount of peace came over me. I realized that I was loved, people wanted to hear my story, they cared, and they were cheering me on. I also realized that this is only 3 weeks and I will return home. I need to enjoy this process...enjoy the moment. I still have moments of tears but they feel true and refreshing. Like it is ok to long for something else while enjoying the moment.
The trip here went smoothly. No delays...good seats. A good 7 hour sleep in Paris hotel. I had a few tears as we landed in Bangui...a feeling of I wanted to be home but that passed. Than I went through the maze of security and custom checks. Stood packed next to the belt waiting for the luggage. It was hot!!!! I had my passport in my hand b/c I knew they would ask one more time to see it before I walked out the door. I was wrong they wanted my baggage slips and they happened to be deep in my carry on. So, I put down the passport and pulled out the slips. I handed the slips to the man and was waved on so I moved on but my passport remained where I put it. Of course, I didn't realize this until 3 hours later when we went to register myself at the embassy and I couldn't find it anywhere. The African's dug through the car and went back to the airport asking around but nothing was found.
Idiot is probably the better word for this. It seems almost hysterical that my fear for this trip was being stuck here and I lose my passport. I can't get out without my passport. I was surprisingly calm. I figure I will just go to the embassy tomorrow and begin the process. I shouldn't freakout until I know I should be freaking out. Of course, my dear friend Bob came in and said that this could be a big problem. I immediately started to cry as the emotion of that overwhelmed me. I don't usually cry in front of co-workers but sweet Bob just let me cry and processed through some of my fears and pain. It helps to be real and messy and then look up to see a friend has not run out on your sloppy mess. Another missionary lady, Heidi, will go with me tomorrow to work through everything. She is friends with the ambassador and thinks we can get this all worked out.
My deep prayer is that God allow the passport of this traveling ding bat be reissued or found before the three weeks are up.
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